


Gnossienne

by thatalmondgirl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Miscommunication, Original Character(s), Original Special Operations Squad | Squad Levi, Pining, Romance, Unrequited Love, kinda friends, rivetra, well not really friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 33,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21670615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatalmondgirl/pseuds/thatalmondgirl
Summary: n. a moment of awareness that someone you’ve known for years still has a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the hallways of their personality is a door locked from the inside, a stairway leading to a wing of the house that you’ve never fully explored—an unfinished attic that will remain maddeningly unknowable to you, because ultimately neither of you has a map, or a master key, or any way of knowing exactly where you stand.Petra finds herself doubting an agreement she has with her captain.
Relationships: Levi & Petra Ral, Levi/Petra Ral
Comments: 59
Kudos: 170





	1. Chapter 1

Petra had always loved easily. From when she was a child, trying to coax a scruffy stray out from a box, to waking early to brew coffee for her squad members. Affection came as naturally as breathing, fondness as guaranteed as the sun rising in the morning. She loved far too easily and far too much; that was who she was. It came in all different forms, from the deep familiarity she had with her father to the care and concern she carried for her squad members. Hell, even the dull fondness she felt for Auruo. It was all there, for everyone she cared about, and her comrades would joke about it.  _ Pet, you’re just going to get yourself hurt,  _ they would say, ruffling her hair. Petra would bat their hands away, tempted to kick them. 

It wasn’t a weakness to Petra. Never had been. But if she hadn’t loved so much, maybe she wouldn’t be in the situation she was in now. 

“Get up.” Levi said gruffly. He’d already retreated from the bed, partially dressed in his sleep clothes. Petra blinked drowsily at the silver moonlight streaming through his window; it was long before sunrise. It took her a moment to focus on him, seated in a chair across the room. The sheets slipped from her bare body; she shivered for a moment before she pulled them back up. Levi watched her, exhaling slightly when she moved. Not out of arousal, which she had gotten to know, but of annoyance...which she’d also come to know. 

“Alright. Get out.” He said it simply, with no malice, but it stung all the same. Why should it, though? They’d agreed to their terms. He wasn’t breaking any. Of course he wasn’t. The captain didn’t break rules. Actually, he’d let her sleep for a while; a small kindness to her. So why did that hurt more? 

“Of course. Sir.” Petra nodded, as she’d done a dozen times before. Despite it all, she managed a weak smile, which he didn’t reciprocate. In fact, he was already staring off into the corner of the room, not focused on her at all. 

Petra swallowed back the hard lump in her throat, repressing a sigh that he would surely hear in the silence of his room. Awkwardly, she shifted off the bed, holding the sheet to her chest, and maneuvered herself back into her clothes; her military uniform, crumpled and creased on the floor. In the throes of passion, neither had been thinking of anything other than getting their clothes off and their bare skin against each other. A rarity for the captain. 

There was nothing of that passion now. His under eyes were darkened from lack of sleep, his hair slightly rumpled. His sweatshirt hung loosely from his shoulders, and he rested his head in his hand, gazing lazily across the room. Occasionally his intense eyes would fall back on her, almost asking  _ when are you going to leave?  _

Petra was no stranger to that look, but it was like glass shards piercing her skin every time she felt it on her body. And when she would compare it to the way he looked at her the night before, as if she was the most beautiful thing in the world, she would feel them piercing deep in her heart. 

She let the sheets fall as she turned to do up the last button. Briefly, she wondered if she should leave it there. Let him tidy up after her. 

Instead, she bundled it back onto the bed. Almost immediately, he came to the other side, straightening it out and tucking the corners in with concentration she only sees on the battlefield. Their eyes met for a second. Petra’s breath caught. That one, simple, unguarded look…

Pointedly, he looked to the door. Tears pricked behind Petra’s eyes, but she wouldn’t cry. Not here. “Goodnight, sir.” 

The captain didn’t reply, not that she had expected him too. With that, she left his room, letting the door shut behind her as quietly as she could. Her soft footsteps were almost silent as she hurried down the hallway, all the way to the female barracks. Instead of creeping back into the dorms, she turned left, slipping out of the building and hunching against the wall. After double-checking to confirm that yes, she was alone, and yes, everyone in headquarters was asleep, she finally let herself  _ feel.  _

Petra had loved her entire life. She thought she knew what it felt like. Even if her romances had been few and far between, she still felt. There was a boy in her training corps....Edger. He’d been awkward, a little too tall for her- he’d never quite filled out- but Petra felt her young, hormone-fueled heart soar and nerves bloom in her stomach. He was gentle, and kind, and everything she’d been drilled to want in a man. The perfect gentleman. Mama and Papa approved wholeheartedly, and Petra knew that they hoped that she would follow him into the Garrison and stay behind the walls. Eventually, her relationship with him fizzled out; she’d been the one to break it off completely. There’d been no great revelation, or scandal, or big, public argument. It simply just didn’t work out, and they both knew it. She still saw him around sometimes, tall and smart in his uniform. When she could, she stopped to talk. Edger, above all else, was still her friend, and Petra appreciated that more than she would say. Besides, with her career in the Survey Corps...well, Petra didn’t expect to be around enough for a long-term partner. Content with her military life, her friends, her comrades, her squad members...Petra had experienced more than enough for a woman her age in her career. There’d been fun times, and extremely fun times, and she’d known what love from a man felt like, even if hadn’t been for long. 

Oh. How wrong she was. 

When she first met Captain Levi, she remembered something inside her give. The tiny, fluttery, flimsy butterflies she’d felt when she met Edger was nothing compared to the absolute hurricane of nerves that exploded in her stomach. She couldn’t speak, terrified of saying the wrong thing, and made herself look like a damn fool. He was  _ the _ Captain Levi, the strongest soldier ever to have fought in all three of the military branches. It was a mix of awe and excitement and nervousness all rolled up in one, and as she let herself sneak a few more glances at his strong jawline and intense eyes, maybe even attraction. Her heart would pound in her chest every time he walked by, and she would wish and wish for his gaze to pass over her at the same time she quivered from it. There was something about _ him _ , Humanity’s Strongest, a blazing enigma who was known for his ferocity and aptitude. He was a beast, spoken about almost as if he wasn’t real. But he was, and he was right in front of her, and he had _ chosen her for his squad.  _ It was still the proudest moment of her life. 

At first, he was a god. Untouchable. Unattainable, and to be obeyed at every cost. Petra admired him from afar, the cleanness of his turns and the force in his cuts and his unbelievably toned body. Watched him with the thoughts of a girl with a crush, and it was really nothing more than that. Aside from being unfairly good-looking, the man was cold and blunt and rude and she found it both fascinating and off-putting at the same time. 

But then. She had been wandering the halls, looking for Squad Leader Hanji, when she had stumbled across a closed door, hearing the strong, steady voice of the commander from within. She couldn’t quite make out what he was saying, but then another voice spoke, his voice low and full of malice. Petra had realised with a jolt that it was the captain, and he was furious. 

“Sending dozens of inexperienced soldiers as bait is the dumbest fucking idea you’ve ever had. We don’t even know if they’ll go for them. What about the abnormals? Or they take out the rookies straight away and come charging for us in the centre? You’ll kill almost all of the new recruits we have right off the bat. For what? The lives of our men, the fucking  _ young ones, _ will be wasted.” 

Another quiet response, followed by murmurs, which Petra interpreted as Squad Leader Mike and Hanji and others. Heavy footsteps approached the door, and she sprinted away, ducking behind a corner, watching her captain stomp out. He was furious. 

On their next expedition, Petra noted that the newest recruits were sent on the outside of the formation. The captain rerouted their direction, and they’d descended on one of the newer squads as they fended off two five metres and a ten metre. Even if they hadn’t been able to save all of them, three teenagers were still living because of them. After they were carried away on the wounded cart, they’d joined up with the next squad. It was the first time she’d seen him disobey the commander. And it was that moment she fell in love with him. 

Someone like him would never be interested in someone like her. At least, that’s what she thought. Late one night, she delivered him tea, purely out of courtesy. He’d looked up at her, something had swirled in the depths of his cool grey eyes, and then his lips were on hers. Nothing like she’d experienced with Edger- that had been cautious, tentative, awkward. A dry, clumsy, chaste-lipped kiss and they had burst into laughter afterward. No, this was rough and hard and passionate and she was robbed of her breath. She could’ve cried with happiness when he finally pulled back, when she recognized that look in his eyes. He wanted her. Desperately. He wanted her as much as she wanted him. 

One apology and a few tense words later, she learned that he was attracted to her - and for one breathtaking, beautiful, amazing moment, she believed it. But then the stars cleared from her eyes and the clouds passed and she realised what he was saying. A long conversation later, they had come to an agreement- no strings attached, a way to take the edge off after training or an expedition. He sat there coolly, discussed it with all the professionalism and intensity as discussing battle plans. More than once, he reminded her that her position on the squad would not be compromised in any way depending on her decision, or would his opinion of her. Which she never found out exactly what it was. 

Petra had kept her cool, as if she had gotten an offer like this every day. If he could do it, so could she. She could keep her feelings bottled up, not let an inkling of them show until she was back in the privacy of the dorms. When she came back to him with her answer, she said it airily, nonchalantly, as if she hadn’t spent every waking moment deciding different ways to accept. Maybe if she had a different answer to that question then, she wouldn’t be standing outside, late at night, raw at his harsh words and sorting through her feelings, overthinking every little damn interaction whether it was sexual or not. 

“Oh. Uh. Hello. I didn’t think anyone would be up.” 

Petra jumped. Instinctively she whirled around, settling into a defensive stance. Although anyone who wanted to attack her probably wouldn’t talk to her civilly. 

“Shit, sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you.” The other scout immediately backed away, holding his hands up. Petra’s guard lowered, recognising him from one of the other squads. He was tall (though everyone was taller than her) and his sandy hair kept falling into his eyes. Good looking. The type of military guy that would pull all the village girls. 

“Evening.” Petra took in his workout gear. Following her line of vision, the guy flared bright red. “Sometimes I have trouble sleeping and I need to take the steam off so I go for a jog around the grounds and you can always be improving, right?” He said in a hurry, tripping over his own words. Very different to her captain who punctuated every word with the clarity of a right hook to the jaw-  _ stop.  _

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell.” 

“Thanks! You’re on the special ops squad, right?” 

That was sudden. Petra blinked, watched the guy quickly backtrack. “Not that I’m a creep or anything! But Squad Leader Michael always tells us to try and be like you guys. We see you training in the forests sometimes and you’re always in sync. It’s incredible!” 

“Ah. Thank you.” Conversation escaped her, the heartache and emotional strain of tonight still fresh in her mind.  _ Get it together.  _

“I’m Petra.” She held out her hand and the guy shook it firmly. “Finn.” 

“Nice to meet you. I never really meet other scouts outside of the mess hall.” The special ops squad usually sat together, and when they didn’t, Petra sat with a few of her friends from her training corps. She'd definitely remember Finn if she had ever sat with him. 

“Maybe we could sit together a few times?” Finn said automatically. There was a pause before he realised the implication of his words and he slapped a hand over his mouth, mortified. “I mean. Not like that. Wait. Not _ not  _ like that, but as-” 

Petra burst out laughing. Big, carefree, ugly laughing, close to a howl, before she slapped her hand over her mouth. The entire compound was asleep, anyway. Finn relaxed slightly, shooting her a lopsided grin. There was a boyish charm to it that Petra hadn’t seen in a while, and it was refreshing. 

Nearby, an owl cooed in the branches of a tree. A wave of tiredness, both physically and emotionally, washed over her for a second. The short nap in her captains bed hadn’t done much for her. She had a long training period tomorrow. 

“I better get to bed. It was nice to meet you, though.” Turning, she cracked open the door silently, shooting him one last smile. “Hope you enjoy the rest of your workout, Finn.” 

“You too! Wait. Fuck. No, I- good night!” 

The entire compound was asleep, but she still allowed herself to chuckle quietly under her breath, feeling lighter than she had in a long time. 

~

For a good twenty seconds after she woke up, Petra felt alright. That was before the memories and emotional turmoil of last night came crashing down on her. 

She turned over in her bed, soaking up the morning light that slipped past her curtains. No, she wouldn’t cry about it. Not when there was still a small, small sliver of hope that he could one day reciprocate her feelings. Even if that hope shrivelled up more and more everyday, she wouldn’t give it up. Not yet. 

Her spirits were lifted slightly as she made her way to the mess hall. The compound was still quiet, although she could pick up the sounds of soldiers groaning as they prepared for another day. She always cherished the moments before everyone awoke and the place came alive with activity. One, so she could sit and gather her thoughts in peace, take time to prepare her morning coffee. Two…

Reason number two typically beat her there. The captain would always sit at the head of the table. Sometimes he would already have his own tea or coffee, and sometimes Petra would make it for him. He wouldn’t say anything in greeting, only nod at her without really looking, as if the night before she hadn’t tasted the sweat on his skin or felt his lips on her body. 

So, in usual fashion, she entered. Just being in the same room with him elicited a feeling of giddiness, which she got under control. She was a grown woman, but she couldn’t help but cling to the childish hope that he felt the connection between then at the same time. 

Levi nodded, Petra smiled in return. His gaze swung back to the empty table in front of him, focused on nothing. No cup today. Reining in a little pleased smile, she started to prepare a pot, taking extra care to make it the way he liked. Indeed, he grunted his thanks when she handed it to him, his eyebrows quirking ever so slightly to indicate enjoyment, and she flared with pride. 

“What have you got planned for today, sir?” Petra took her usual seat to his right. The captain sipped his coffee, thought for a moment. 

“We’ll be out in the forest today. Work through the new formation for the upcoming expedition. Then we’ll work with Mike’s squad for the two group attack.” 

“That’s a good idea. We haven’t worked through it yet. Better now than out beyond the walls!”  _ Change the subject. This is awkward. What are you doing?  _ “Do you like the coffee? I tried to make it a little differently today. I found this new type of coffee beans at the market, and I hadn’t tried them before, so the stallowner gave me a discount-”

“Petra. Stop talking.” Levi said dully, in his usual monotone. Quiter, he muttered, “It gives me a damn headache.”

“Oh. Yes. Sorry sir.” 

God. Someone stab her, it would hurt less. She clamped her mouth shut, going rigid.The two sat silently what felt like the longest ten minutes of Petra’s life. She thanked all the goddesses above when Erd barged into the room. Gunther and Auruo followed not too long after. Their easy, loud chatter filled the room, and while she usually found it annoying, she wished they wouldn’t ever stop. As they trudged to to gear shed, she found herself staring at the back of the captains head, hating him and herself at the same time. 

_ A storm had rolled in after they’d eaten dinner. Not a big one, or even a very fierce one, but enough of one for the rain to slam against the windows and turn the world outside into a grey, foggy wasteland. Truthfully, Petra had been rather tired by training that day, and from the droopy eyelids and the constant stretching of her squadmates - even the captain closed his eyes for a few seconds longer than normal - she’d assumed everyone felt the same. So it surprised her when the captain called for her. Immediately she could tell something was amiss with him. His touch skated over her body, almost a caress, he nipped instead of biting, and every move was carefully precise. It was far from unenjoyable, but it unnerved her at the same time. It was the first time she’d been on top. After they’d finished, she’d lain awake beside him, waiting for the moment where he would prop himself up and tell her to leave with none of the gentleness she’d just experienced. But something strange happened. He’d fallen asleep right beside her.  _

_ Petra remembered scarcely drawing breath, terrified of rousing the captain from whatever dream he was in and reminding him that she should be leaving. Indeed, she’d been more terrified of his blunt reaction when he woke up and noticed she was still there than of potentially waking him. Silently, discreetly, she began to slide out from under the covers, even though every fiber of her being disagreed and begged her to linger, to enjoy this moment that she would never get again. No, she decided firmly. She was leaving.  _

_ Then the captain made the decision for her. He reached out, still dead to the world, and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her to him in an iron grip. Petra gasped as he drew her close to him, his head under her chin and his breath on her collarbones. His arms tightened around her back- even if she wanted to move, she couldn’t. Oh, but she wouldn’t dream of moving. Not now. So she committed the details of his sleeping, unstrained, relaxed face to memory and let herself fall into the most peaceful sleep she’d ever had.  _

_ Petra woke up cold and alone in the morning. But it was still morning, and that was a big difference in its own, so she couldn’t find it in herself to be mad. Before she did anything else, she made absolutely sure that she was alone in the captain’s room, then flopped back onto the mattress, laughed at the ceiling, and curled into the still-warm spot where the captain had lain.  _

How could the same man who held her so tightly be so distant? Cruel? Petra tried not to stare at him openly, with the squad all gathered around. Although she doubted they’d notice with all their bickering. The captain did not pay them any attention, his focus directed into his tea. 

No. Those moments where he held her so tightly, touched her so gently in a moment of subconscious had to mean something. Anything. Or else they wouldn’t have happened. 

She had to believe that. It was the tape holding all the pieces of her heart together. 

Wordlessly, the captain stood, and they all followed immediately. Petra trailed behind the men to the storage sheds, shaking her head to repel all train of thought about her grumpy captain. Those wouldn’t save her life on the battlefield, or save her ass in training from a berating. Erd elbowed her, Gunther cracked some stupid joke, and Auruo chomped down on his tongue again. She allowed herself to relax, and smile. No point in spending her time overthinking the little things when she had such an amusing company to laugh with. Besides. She could definitely admire the captain from afar and not bring herself down focusing on every signal he gave. Which, actually, weren’t very many. So even if she did she would still have plenty of time to spare- 

_ Damnit Petra. You’re acting like a schoolgirl! Just calm down for once, okay?  _

Right. 

At least the familiar weight and cool metal of the ODM gear on her legs brought her back down to earth. Experimentally, she tapped her foot on the ground, letting it settle against her hip, enjoying the slight  _ clang  _ of the gear against the buckles on her straps. It was funny- that tiny, tinny sound brought her peace amongst some of the scariest and most confusing times of her life. Like when she would be high in the air, inches away from grabby hands and gaping mouths. Or when- 

“Oi. Petra. Stop messing around.” 

Or when the captain would get snippy with her. She bent her head down, hiding the embarrassed flush in her cheeks and mumbled, “Yes sir.” Then she let her hooks fly through the air, pierce the hard bark of the giant trees, pull her along after it. 

The first phase of training went smoothly. The squad was in perfect sync with each other, all without saying a word. Even if they could hear each other in the silence of the forest, would they be able to hear each other with titans crushing abandoned houses and trees under their feet?

All in all, they brought down every training dummy with the slightest of ease, barely cracking a sweat. The captain didn’t outright praise them, but he looked less pissed off than usual, and that crinkle in his brow had lightened. A rare sight. Their spirits were high when they met up with Mike’s squad, adrenaline still fresh in their blood. It was tough working with another squad, even more challenging to communicate across the battlefield. Petra considered everyone in Mike’s squad her friend, but she didn’t spend enough time around them to be able to send silent signals to sync their attacks. 

“Petra! Left, five metre!” Levi shouted at her. “Henning! Gelger! Right, fifteen metre!” He shot ahead, Mike at his side, his blades spinning as they went for two fifteen metres. 

The five metre was easy, even with the recruit operating the dummy jerking it this way and that to mimic a real titan. Really, as if they could compare. Her blades flashed, glinting off the sun, and the neck was cut. She tore through the fabric with the most satisfying ripping sound, watched the stuffing flutter to the ground. Landing on a nearby branch, she assessed it, double checking the cut was deep enough. So did the recruit, who backed away after it was ‘dead.’ Good. 

Nearby, Henning and Gelger had taken out the ankles of their fifteen metre. The scout operating it was doing a damn good job of imitating a real titan. Petra glimpsed the girl behind it yanking the ropes back and forth, her arms trembling under the strain. Henning leapt off the tree, barrelling straight for the nape and ripping through it with a cry. Gelger whooped from nearby, Henning standing proudly on the wooden corpse for a second, regaining his breath. Petra grinned at them from her branch. From the corner of her eye, something twitched. 

_ Treat training as if you’re on the battlefield. You get a second chance in training, but you’re fucked if it’s the real thing.  _ The captain’s words echoed in her head. Instinct. 

No time to shout. Petra moved before she thought, shooting her hooks to the tree just past Henning as the giant dummy titan loomed over him. She flew through the air, grabbing Henning around the waist and using all her strength to hoist them up to the nearest tree branch. Damnit it all to hell, whoever was moving that titan was _good,_ even better than the first. It swung around quickly, so quickly Petra didn’t have time to process it. She only acted. Holding her blade out in front of her, they crashed through the wood, splinters caught in their hair and their clothes. Henning flinched for a moment, almost caused her to topple. After all, he was quite a bit taller than her. Fuck. She needed to put him down and take it out. With the last bit of her strength, she swung near a branch and threw Henning over it. He sprang to his feet immediately, gear and blades at the ready. Petra was quicker. But Gelger had already flown in. 

He sliced at the ankles, the dummy falling just as Petra swung in for the killshot. She hadn’t prepared to take out the ankles - no need - and her hooks had attached too far up for her swing, designed to get her away from the grabby hands. Swooping downwards in midair, she dislodged her hooks, made for a lower point to get to the neck. But she hadn’t anticipated Henning. The man soared down in an instant, aiming for the neck the exact same time she did, and the only thing she could think of was to toss her blades as far away as she could before they impaled each other. They hit each other  _ hard,  _ all the breath knocked out of Petra’s lungs as her hooks separated from the tree and she was thrown to the ground. By some form of sheer, awful luck, one of her hooks hadn’t inserted back into her gear properly, still out when she rolled across the ground, and still wanting back in. The cable ties smacked against her leg, almost like a whip, and she cried out. For a moment - a moment too long- she lay in a heap on the floor, all her muscles crying out. And the titan was still ‘alive.’ 

Until the captain himself zoomed down, assessed the situation in record quick time and slashed at the neck so deeply that he almost decapitated the wooden head. Henning lay somewhere on the ground, Gelger stared on in shock - and the captain glared around, focused on her. 

“Petra! What the hell was that?” He came over, fists clenched at his side. Petra cringed at the hard edge in his voice, didn’t dare want to look up into his face. But she did, and the furious light in his eyes, only seen when in battle, made her want to hide in a hole and never come out. 

“You fucking idiot.” The captain blazed with anger. “You could’ve gotten yourself  _ and _ Henning killed. What if it was an abnormal, huh? What then? Would you have charged in by  _ yourself _ to take it out? Without assessing the situation? Are you a damn rookie, Petra?” 

Petra sat there quietly, head lowered, burning with shame. At least the others had the tact to stand a safe distance away, out of earshot. 

“Sir, I was thinking-” 

“No, you weren’t fucking  _ thinking. _ That’s the problem here, Ral.” She flinched. He never used her last name unless he was livid. “I’d send you right back to the barracks if we weren’t so damn short on group training. So walk that shit off, stand up, and get back up there. Understood?” 

“Perfectly, sir.” Petra whispered. Her leg throbbed, but she stood up shakily. Stable enough. She’d be fine after a bit of rest. Which wouldn’t come for a while. 

The captain had already shot up into the air, looking down at her from one of the trees. His glare challenged her to stay on the floor. Gritting her teeth, she shot her hooks to the opposite tree, landing beside Gunther and Nanaba. Her leg ached, probably riddled with bruises, but it was nothing compared to the fierce blow in her heart. 

_ “Sir, I still don’t know why you didn’t go to the medical tents.” Petra frowned, tossing away another bloody tissue. The rubbish bin was overflowing with them now. The captain scowled at her from his place atop his desk. For a quick moment, Petra thought it funny that their usual positions had changed.  _

_ “It’s full of the wounded with the worst injuries. When they’re in a rush trying to save everyone’s lives they don’t santise the needles. Which is fucking dumb. They’ll kill us of infection and transmitted diseases before the titans do.”  _

_ “Without them most of us would be dead. Sir.”  _

_ “Tch. Doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for them. Just that they could stand to actually sterilise the damn needles.”  _

_ Her next words hesitated in her mouth, but she gathered her courage and pushed them out, ignoring the growing pounding of her heart.  _

_ “If they did sterilize the needles, would you still want me to stitch you up?”  _

_ Levi stared at her for a long moment, regarding her with something Petra couldn’t identify. Flustered, she almost dropped the needle, and it was a good ten seconds more before she realised she forgot to tack on his honorific.  _

_ “Sir.” Great. Now the captain probably thought her a dumbass.  _

_ Something Petra learnt about her captain is that if he didn’t want to answer, he wouldn’t skate around it. He would either say whatever he thought, no softness to it at all, or just not answer at all. She started to consider herself lucky that he decided not to answer and she almost forgot about the question as they drifted into silence, the only noise being the puck of the thread and needle going through his skin. She tied off the thread, dabbed it clean with the tissues and alcohol, and stepped back. The captain sighed quietly, but it was enough of a disturbance in the quiet to make Petra jump. He looked down, ran his hand over the stitches on his chest. “Good job. They’re even.”  _

_ They both knew that Gunther did a neater job of stitching, and he could’ve done it instead of replenishing the gas canisters for tomorrow's training, but neither decided to mention that.  _

The rest of training passed uneventfully. The captain didn’t address her injury or her mistake any more aside from scowls when she caught her eye, and when they all finally touched down on the ground he ignored her wince as she put weight on her leg for the first time in a few hours. The other squad stayed behind, Mike mumbling something about how they needed more time in the forest. The captain crossed his arms over his chest, glared at them. Although he was one of the shortest, there was a look in his eye that would send the strongest thugs running. 

“Well. I don’t know what happened, but that was a piss-poor performance. The only thing keeping us from being killed was Erd’s quick thinking because some of you were lacking.” He said dully. The perfect, pissed off captain. “Dismissed.” 

He walked away. Petra could almost see the cloud of annoyance haloing his head. She kept a good distance away with the rest of the squad, each groaning and stretching and grumbling. Gunther patted her on the back sympathetically, Erd recommended some home remedies for bruising, and even Auruo was less of a shit than usual. They’d known each other so long and so well that they knew when someone was feeling like crap after a bad training session. And Petra loved them for it, of course she did. But their efforts did little to elicit anything more than a bare hint of a smile. Thanking them, she hobbled towards the compound, flexing her leg and testing how much it could withstand, and for how long. Not too serious at all, like she’d thought. Just a little stiff. 

“Hey! Petra!” A boyish voice called out from over the field, travelling with the wind. Petra turned, caught sight of Finn breaking from his squad. He waved enthusiastically at her, almost jumping up and down. In his excitement, his foot caught on a lump in the ground and he pitched forward. She could see that same, easy going smile comically transform into one of horror, like something you'd see in a stage show. 

Ah.  _ That _ was enough to get Petra to smile for real. 

~

Somehow, despite the fuckup that was training, they ended up back in his office. 

“From Squad Leader Hanji, sir.” Petra placed the files onto the corner of his desk, next to a cup of tea she brewed. Honestly, she had no clue if he was still pissed at her. But he hadn’t snapped at her when she walked in, so she took it as a good sign. She didn’t try to push her luck, though. Didn’t rush in there and hop onto his lap. 

Levi acknowledged her with a grunt, absentmindedly flipping through the files. Petra dithered for a moment, awkwardly shifting all her weight onto her good leg. The captain noticed her tiny movement. Of course he did. “Still sore?” 

“A little, sir.” Petra blinked, slightly confused. She half expected him not to point it out. It had been her fault, after all. “Are you still mad at me?” The words came out of their own accord and she clamped her hand over her mouth immediately. _Since when did she get so casual? With her_ captain _?_

Well. Probably when they started ripping their clothes off whenever they were alone. If they were being specific, about a month ago. 

Levi rolled his eyes. “No point. Hope you learned your lesson about dumbass decisions. If you didn’t, well.” He reached for the tea. “You’re dead. And it’s your own fault.” 

He said it with such detachedness, as if her death wouldn’t impact him at all. Why would it? He could probably find dozens of girls willing to take her role.  _ All  _ of her roles. 

_ Don’t think like that.  _

It was her cue to leave. It  _ should’ve _ been her cue to leave, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t make her way to the door. Everything that happened today was still fresh in her mind, his words right at the forefront, loud and bright and clear. 

“What? Do you need something?” The captain looked at her directly, tea forgotten. She knew that look every well. Yes, she did want something. And she knew he wanted it too. 

In a few short steps, she was by his side and he reached out, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her into his lap. Petra winced at the sudden movement on her leg, felt it stiffen uncomfortably. Levi ran his hand down the curve of her hip, over her uniform, ghosted over her bad leg. He rested it on her calf, and his fingers started massaging the area gently. Petra almost tipped her head back in joy, had to refrain from sighing in glee. 

Oh, she did want something desperately. Something more than just sex in the office. She wanted confirmation. She wanted to know that he thought of her differently than just a soldier, just a fuck buddy. The state he put her in now...what would it be like if he actually recopicated her feelings? Loved her back? She thought she had lived everything she needed to, but if she was going to die one day, and one day soon, she needed to know if this man ever loved her or not. Then she could die peacefully. 

_ Please. Please.  _

She wanted something that would keep the pieces of her heart together. 

One strong arm kept around her waist, the other under her knees. His insistent lips were on her neck, one hand pulling her shirt free from under her waistband, his deft fingers undoing the buttons. It was hard to think straight. His light, teasing touch made goosebumps erupt across her skin, and she liked to imagine that he felt the sparks too. 

“Please don’t stop.” Gasping, Petra grabbed onto his shoulders as he ghosted along her neck, pressing light kisses along her jawline and down to her collarbone. A moan, louder than she intended, escaped her when he kissed the hollow between her neck and her shoulder, taking his damn time. Petra wound one hand into his hair, muffled her words behind her other hand. “I love it when you do that.” 

“Yeah?” His fingers suddenly dug into the back of her neck, jerking her head back slightly as his lips found their way to her breast. Just the feel of his hot breath on her sensitive skin made her thighs clench and her breathing quicken. “That’s the only  _ love _ involved here.” 

Something burned through her suddenly, a knife sliding into her heart. Is that what was called an epiphany? A great revelation? Or just something that was painfully obvious, and she was just utterly stupid? Petra jerked, his offhand comment replaying over and over in her ears, feeling like someone had just punched her in the face. He hadn’t thought it through, just a reaction, a reply, to what she had said. Did that make it all the more true? She suddenly felt very, very cold. And. And...was she even surprised? Maybe she knew, all this time, and hadn’t wanted to believe it until he gave some inkling, some _ sign,  _ that he could never return her affections beyond a meaningless fuck. No. They _had_ been there. Those signs. All the time. But she hadn’t wanted to see it, didn’t believe it until he said them as clear as day. To him, Petra realised slowly, she would never be any more than a soldier, maybe even a friend, but nothing more. And she was a fool for having ever believed otherwise. How could she have thought that this arrangement would make him see her differently? She was a fool. His lips, his touch, his kisses on her skin, were wrong. It wasn’t love, and it never was going to be. Her breathing didn’t come, lodged in her throat, almost choking her. She needed out.  _ She couldn’t do this anymore.  _

“Stop. Stop. Stop!” 

His arms slackened around her immediately and she almost tumbled to the floor, catching herself at the last minute. Levi looked at her, his composure rattled for a moment; his hair was mussed from where she played with it, his clothes rumpled, and most unsettling of all, his eyes were wide. She had never, ever seen him shocked. Petra forced herself to look away first, scrambling to her feet. If she stayed any longer in this room she would cry. Without another word, she rushed for the door and fled the room, and it was only after she ran until her legs were aching that she realised, with a strange sort of detachment, that her blouse was still undone. 


	2. Chapter 2

Contrary to popular belief (fuck Auruo) Petra actually didn’t cry easily. 

Alright, she could admit that at some times, she was...emotional. It was far from a weakness, but even she could admit that they sometimes got in the way and walled off all rational thought. Anger, frustration, sadness, hell, even happiness. The only one she could easily compartmentalise away was fear, which probably stemmed from her military career. Even so. It was never easy to separate all the others from her actions, think from a clean slate like the Commander could do, like the captain. 

The damn captain. 

Petra groaned, splayed out across her bed. She drew her arm across her eyes, willing the tears to go away. She’d already blown through her tissue box. 

_“Petra, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Mama sat on the end of her bed, with Petra on the floor between her legs. Even though Petra argued firmly that she was old enough to brush her own hair, Mama had insisted. Unfortunately, Petra wasn’t old enough - and probably never would be - to disagree with her mother._

_“I know, Mama.” Petra grumbled._

_“I don’t think you do. Else you wouldn’t be crying, would you?”_

_The brush moved through her hair methodically, Mama counting the strokes under her breath. One hundred each night, one hundred each morning. Today there’s an extra one hundred in the afternoon._

_“That’s not to say you can’t love a man or want him in your life.” Mama continued. Petra sniffed, rubbed at her eyes. Her and Edger had gotten into a fight right before she left for a visit and a few carefully selected words from Mama had brought all her strong pretenses crashing down._

_“But a man shouldn’t complete you when you complete yourself. Maybe he’s an extension to your house. So you’ll be sad if the extension is compromised or burns down. But you still have the main house. And if it’s strong, the main house can still be standing even after the worst storm.”_

Aside from Mama’s crazy metaphors that sometimes didn’t make sense, her message hit home. Even if it hit home years later. 

Still. The way he looked at her after she rushed out was still fresh in her mind, the first thing she saw when she closed her eyes. He looked _wounded,_ as if her rejection actually stung. As if her opinion of him mattered. 

No. No, she needed to stop kidding herself. He wasn’t interested. He was the captain. Humanity’s Strongest. The most intimidating, kindest man she’d ever known. There was no way he would ever be interested in her and she needed to accept that. Would it even work, with their positions in the military? Would they tell anyone? Or would they sneak between rooms late at night, where she’d actually stay in his bed until morning?

 _Get over it. It isn’t going to happen._ If she wanted to move on completely, she needed to burn the bridges. Because, she mused bitterly, she was not going to get over her ridiculous crush if she knew how good a kisser he was and was reminded of it often. The agreement they decided on, ultimately, made her sadder than satisfied; constantly being reminded of what was within her reach but still, _still_ so far. 

And. The love of her captain would be a dream come true. To feel his arms around her, talking about her day or his, riding their horses through the fields...she ached just imagining it. But Mama had been right. All those things were not limited to her captain. She had friends, her family. The love of a man would not complete her when she already completed herself. 

But she couldn’t hide away in her room forever. Petra owed it to the captain to at least tell him to his face that it was off. He’d told her once to never have any regrets. If Petra ruined whatever relationship she had with him, as her captain or even as a friend, all because she was a coward, then that might be the biggest regret she would ever have. 

Sighing, she dragged herself over to the mirror. Her hair was rumpled flat in the back, the dark circles under her eyes were prominent, and her skin was flushed. She hadn’t slept, but she’d rolled around in her bed restlessly for god knows how long. You seemed to lose concept of time when you sifted through your feelings and wondered what to do about it and blew through an entire box of tissues. 

Quickly, she neatened herself up before she could back out of her plan. Maybe she could delude herself that she wouldn’t want to disrupt his sleep. She could tell him in the morning, couldn't she? She could be a coward.

Petra knew better than anyone that he didn’t sleep. She also knew, deep in her heart, that if she didn’t go through with it now she would never go near it again. 

Even if the captain never slept, that didn’t mean the entire compound was up and awake every damn moment. She tiptoed through the halls silently, weight balanced on the balls of her feet, taking even greater care when she entered the officer’s wing. For a long moment, she stood outside the captain’s office door, hand floating over the panelling. She didn’t even know why she was hesitating. 

“Captain?” Petra said softly. No response. Gently, she eased open the door- not entirely sure what she expected, honestly- and was greeted by the captain’s empty desk. The tea she’d made for him was still there, cold in the cup. 

Petra stepped out immediately. Without the captain there, it almost felt like she was trespassing. If he wasn’t in his office, he would be in his room - where he’d be sleeping. Just her luck that Levi, the man who was infamous for his insomniac tendencies, would be _asleep._ What would she even say? _Hello captain, I’m so sorry to wake you from your very rare sleep but I’ve decided to break it off. Have a good night!_

Then she’d scurry back to her room and greet him in the morning and then patiently wait out her death. At the hands and mouth of a titan or out of sheer awkwardness. Either or, at this point. 

Dejected, she wandered back to her room, wanting out of the officer’s wing as quick as possible; goodness knows what excuse she would come up with if she was found by one of the other squad leaders. 

Back in the safety of her own hallway, she sagged against the wall. How could she feel so exhausted yet so keyed up with nervous energy at the same time? Lying in her bed. Staring up at the ceiling for hours on end until the morning bell went. Dreading the morning.

God, that sounded like utter torture. She needed something to occupy her mind. 

A flash of movement outside the hallway window caught her eye. A tall flash of movement with blond hair and navy workout gear. 

“Finn!” Petra whisper-shouted, pushing open the window. Finn jumped, turned to her with wide eyes and an easy grin, something that was hard to find nowadays. She grinned back. “Need a workout partner?” 

Finn brightened even more, if that was possible. “Hell yeah!” 

She couldn’t even be bothered to change into proper workout gear, only shedding her jacket and harnesses before joining him. Finn clapped her on the shoulder. “I’m glad to see you again. I thought, well, maybe you might’ve told my squad leader."

“About what?” 

“You know- breaking regulations. Curfew and stuff.” Finn rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. 

Petra blanked for a moment. She’d broken so many regulations, curfew included, that it hadn’t even crossed her mind. Finn wanting to go for runs and exhaust some of his energy at night was a far cry from Petra screwing her commanding officer. 

“Ah, it’s okay. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping, too. It’s good to have someone to burn off some of the energy with.” _Of the different kind._ Petra shook her head, expelled all thoughts of the captain from her mind. “So what do you do out here?” 

Finn brought her through his usual routine, which really was a good way to let off steam and burn through any existing adrenaline still in your system, but Petra found it was only really good for _that_. Not strengthening your core for ODM, or increasing your flexibility, or building muscle in your arms. Petra wasn’t sure what training corps division Finn attended - they had to be in the same age range- but they must’ve taught differently than how she was taught. He had the proper skills for an average soldier, but he definitely had the potential for promotion; he just didn’t know how to unlock it. So Petra wanted to help. 

She took charge, drilling him through different exercises, targeting certain points in the body, even advice on hand to hand combat. It was different, being in charge. She felt like the captain of a one-man squad. Finn diligently followed everything she said, not a single word of complaint or uncertainty. Petra probably could've told him to dive off a cliff and he would’ve. The power she had over him felt strange in her grasp, like a sword that was too heavy for her body. For a brief moment, while her and Finn were in the middle of a stretch, she let herself wander. The sun harsh on her back, the ODM heavy on her hips, trying to figure out if the crashing on the ground was the galloping hooves of her horse or a ten metre titan hot on their heels. Finn and three other soldiers behind her, obeying any order she would give, even if it would kill them. The responsibility weighing down on her shoulders, long after they made it back to the barracks. If they died on her orders, the guilt would bare down on her neck, her shoulders, pressing her further and further into the ground until she joined them in their graves.

When Finn suggested hand-to-hand practical, Petra jumped at the opportunity to get them back into a situation where they were on equal ground. 

“Woah! Are you okay?” Finn raced over to her side after he managed to throw her over his shoulder, a move Petra had taught him. Petra lay on the ground, laughing quietly into her hand. 

“I’m fine. That was good!” She accepted his hand, brushing dirt and twigs from her uniform, ran a hand through her unkempt hair. Even though the night air was chilly, she loosened a few buttons from the top of her blouse, rolling up her shirtsleeves. Her blood sang in her veins, and the sweat on her neck was wonderfully familiar. They sparred a few more times; Petra won more times than not, but Finn took it all in good sport; before she called it a night. At the rate they were going, the sun would be halfway up the sky before either of them noticed. There was no way she would be caught slacking in training, especially after her performance earlier that day.

They chatted on their way back to the barracks. Finn was eager for any advice on training, exercises, even titan-killing. Surprisingly, he desperately wanted to know how Petra was so good at keeping quiet when exercising. He'd had a few close calls with other scouts making their way to the bathroom. Petra thought her first-hand experience and best advice at practicing that skill wouldn’t be useful, so she said nothing instead. 

“Damn, I could really do with a drink right now.” Finn moaned. Petra laughed as he stuck out his tongue, as if testing if it was dry. 

“I’ll grab us some water,” she offered. 

“But we’re not allowed in the kitchens after curfew.” 

Well. He was right about that. Petra had been down in there after hours so often to brew tea for the captain that she’d forgotten it was a rule. In fact, a lot of the elite soldiers seemed to forget it was a rule. God knows how often she’d caught Nanaba getting a glass of water, or glimpsed Moblit pouring himself an extra large mug of coffee to stay awake long enough to listen to Hanji’s ramblings. 

“I’ll be quick.” Petra reassured him, ducking into the mess hall and beelining straight for the kitchen. She downed her first glass and reached for a second, the cool water refreshing. She had to resist the strong urge to dump it over her head. 

“You’re gonna piss yourself if you keep drinking like that.” 

“Captain!” Petra startled so much that her water sloshed over the edge. He sipped tea at one of the tables, studying her from over the rim of his cup. She almost quivered under his intense gaze, forced herself to be still. She was suddenly all too aware of her haggard appearance. Damnit, this was the exact situation she wanted to avoid! She wanted to talk to him when she was calm and put together. Not after she'd had been running and rolling on the ground! 

Discreetly, Petra nudged the other glass into the sink, not wanting the captain to know that she was with Finn. The captain didn’t scare her, but she was all too aware of the effect he had on soldiers that weren’t under his direct command. 

Petra wanted to say something, but she couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t sound painfully awkward. She kept replaying the moment in his office, his expression still fresh in her mind- a big difference from the bored, pissed off expression he regarded her with now. But she didn’t take it personally. She was used to it. 

Finally, she settled on, “What are you doing down here, sir?” 

Levi looked down on the empty table, as if expecting to see reports spread out in front of him. His shoulders twitched slightly, his version of a shrug. “Change of scenery.”

“Oh.” 

She clamped her lips shut, not trusting herself not to say anything that would venture out of safe territory. Thankfully the captain didn’t seem too interested in any more conversation. If there was anything on his mind, she would have no way of knowing. He was a locked vault that no one had had the key too. 

Turning back to the sink, she refilled her glass, unsure of what to do. The captain’s gaze was hot on her back. Did he seek her out? Or was he just simply in the kitchen and it was a poorly timed coincidence? 

Maybe it was a sign from the goddesses above that she should just rip off the bandage and stop being a coward. She couldn’t stand here and drink water forever. 

Gathering up her courage, she steeled herself, blocking out any lingering feelings that would hinder what she was about to say. _Come on Petra. You can do this._

She turned around, meeting his cold, flat eyes. That alone almost made her spin around and avoid his gaze; maybe she could dive out the window. But she pushed on. She owed that much. 

“Captain. There’s something I want to tell you.” 

He said nothing, did nothing. There was no movement except for the slight tick in his eyebrow, something only someone who knew him well would notice. He was listening to her every word. 

“I think-” 

“Petra, what’s taking so long? Man, I’m so thirsty- sir!” Finn, who’d burst through the doorway with floppy limbs and droopy eyes snapped to attention in record-quick time, standing salute. He trembled, although Petra wasn't sure if that was from exhaustion or fear. 

The captain didn’t react. But his eyes flicked from Petra to Finn, and they narrowed. Even Petra flinched under his intense glare. She cleared her throat, her mouth suddenly very, very dry. 

“Sir, this is Finn. He’s in Squad Leader Michael’s-” 

“I don’t recall asking.” The captain said, and Petra shrunk at his tone; hard and clipped. Finn practically melted into the floor. He looked like a scared deer, ready to bolt. But he was glued on the spot, trapped under his rank and boxed in by military rules. 

“What time is it, soldier?” Levi said quietly. Finn looked ready to piss his pants, but he swallowed, glanced at the clock on the wall. 

“One-fifteen, sir.” 

Levi’s eyes narrowed even further, and his lip curled. Finn was visibly trembling now. 

“One-fifteen a.m, sir.” 

“Took you fucking long enough. What time is curfew?” 

“Ten p.m, sir.” 

“Do you think you can do the math, dipshit, or should I? That’s three hours and fifteen minutes after you should’ve been tucked away in bed sucking your thumb. You listening? So for three hours and fifteen minutes tomorrow after dinner, you can clean that shit you just tracked in _and_ scrub down the barracks. Am I clear, soldier?” 

“Perfectly, sir.” Finn had deflated slightly. Three hours and fifteen minutes after dinner was almost all of the free time they were granted on standard days. 

“Good. Now get out of my fucking face.” 

Petra sputtered in disbelief. She couldn’t fucking _believe_ this. Her temper had sparked to life, and for a moment, he was not her captain. He was just an asshole _._ Her eyes blazed. 

“Captain!” Petra had to keep herself from spitting, resorted to speaking through her teeth. The captain’s harsh gaze slid to her, but Petra was far too furious to be affected by it. “That’s- if Finn is going to be punished, so should I! I’m breaking the same rules as him.” 

Finn went pale white, frozen in his spot as his wide eyes darted back and forth from Petra and the captain. It was as if someone had shut his brain down completely before kick-starting it back up onto the highest speed. He shuffled back and forth for a moment, unsure of where to go, before Levi fixed him with another steely glare. With one final clumsy salute, he rushed out the door. Neither of them took much notice. 

“Why are you being so harsh? That’s not fair, captain! We were up after curfew, I _understand_ that we broke a rule, but you have never once punished me for being up late- which I have been, for quite a few months now! Why now?” 

Her breath came heavily. She’d never spoken to him like this before, even in the privacy of the bedroom. The stabbing ache in her heart, her buzzing energy, and his shitty attitude towards Finn had her _fuming,_ and she could not wrestle control over her words. 

It took everything in her to control her footsteps as she marched over to him; she did not want her stomping to wake the whole compound. Her fist came down on the table besides his tea, and it sloshed over the edge. 

Levi’s flat gaze tracked the mess on the tabletop, climbing up her arm to meet her glare for glare. He was the most composed, secretive man- person, really- she’d ever met. But even a stranger from ten metres away could pick out the cold anger in his grey eyes. The chair grated against the stone floor as he pushed it back, stood up, and got right in her face. 

“Alright, _Ral._ You want to be punished? Three hours and fifteen minutes every day this _week_ and you can clean every damn inch of the building. That enough punishment for you since you’re so set on shit being fair?” 

With every word, he leaned in closer to her face, staring her down for a long moment before he stormed away. “Dismissed. Get the fuck to bed, Ral.” 

Petra wasn’t sure what was making her bold. Maybe it was her keyed up energy, maybe it was the disgusting way he treated Finn, maybe it was her emotions getting in the way - again- and clouding her judgement. It pissed her off even more that her longing for him flickered on the edge of her anger, a weak flame waiting to catch. It was getting weaker and weaker by the second, especially as another thought began to rear its ugly head. 

“What, you didn’t get something out of it this time?” Petra spat. She didn’t think her words through properly. It was like a dam broke, and she couldn’t stop the currents. “Is that it? I can’t fucking believe you. So no one else can break a rule except for you and I. No one else can be up and awake and doing far more innocent things and breaking far less rules _unless_ it’s you- ” 

She wasn’t even sure she saw him move. He moved so fast. So fast she didn’t have time to react. How could anyone move that fast? It shouldn’t be possible for anyone to be that fast. She didn’t have much time to think about it as he backed her against the table. There was no room for her to slip out of, and they both knew it. 

She tipped her head back, matched him glare for glare. That fire in his eyes was blazing bright now, and his fists, resting either side of her hips, were clenched. His jaw was set, and that muscle in his eyebrow was more prominent than ever. She had never seen anyone look more intimidating. This was the man who sent fifty metre titans crashing to the ground, who sent the toughest men running scared for their mothers. A sane person would be scared. 

If Petra were a sane person at all, she would not be in the Survey Corps to begin with. She was insane, and she knew the captain better than most. Put those together, and in that moment, she felt like his equal. His equal wanted answers. 

“What?” Petra whispered. “This is a breach of protocol, _sir_.” 

“Shut the fuck up.” Levi snarled. “You know what you are? My damn subordinate. You think a subordinate has any fucking place in telling their superiour what’s fair and what isn’t in front of a rookie? _That_ is a breach of protocol. I could throw you in the brig for days just for that little stunt but I’m feeling the slightest bit fucking lenient because maybe whatever’s going on between us has you fucked up in the head. You need a reminder, brat? Just because me and you are fucking you think you’re higher than the rest of the assholes in this place? You’re _not_.”

“Fuck you.” It was hard to speak, to keep her voice low from behind a wall of white-hot anger. She would not start yelling. She wouldn’t. “Fuck. You. What’s been going on between us does _not_ have me confused! You think I care about that? Do you? I don’t. The way you treated Finn was inappropriate for something that all us elites do every night! Maybe _you’re_ the one putting me higher than the other soldiers just because I take my clothes off for you!” 

He blinked, as if caught off guard. It was only for a fraction of a second, but for Levi, it was more than enough. Then it was gone, and there was no trace that it had been there in the first place. 

“You don’t care then? We’re done. As a soldier, _just_ a soldier, you are breaking curfew. Now get the fuck to bed before I give you toliet and stable duty. That work is far below a _normal_ soldier.” He crossed his arms, watched her dully. Any sign of anger was gone, just like that. He’d blocked it off with his impressive walls. There was absolutely nothing in his face now. “Bed. Now. You are dismissed, or do you need me to spell out what that means to you? Are you a rookie now, Petra?” 

He glared at her, and it was scathing. She searched his eyes for any indication that he wanted her to argue back, defend what they had, and...nothing. 

Despite a night full of hurtful words, it was the ones he didn’t say that stung most of all. 

“Did you care?” Petra asked quietly. 

Levi said nothing. Without another word, she shoved him back and stormed out of the room. She wasn’t sure if he watched her go. She didn’t care. She _didn’t._

As Petra climbed the steps, she kept replaying their argument over and over in her mind. She’d gotten what she wanted, and she tried to ignore that she was selfishly wondering if she had the right to be hurt over it. 

~

Before anything else, Levi and Petra were captain and soldier. Strip down all the other layers- which got more and more confusing and fuddled by the day- and that was always there, the only stable thing Petra could grasp onto. So even if they had buried it deep under all this other shit that was going on, Petra just gritted her teeth, ignored it as best she could, and went about her duties. 

Levi did the same. Not that she expected anything less from such a disciplined, orderly man. Training was normal. Mealtimes were normal. Everything was normal except for Petra’s absence in his bed, which was abnormal to begin with. 

And maybe the underlying bite of tension between them, the barely concealed harshness in their words and subtle, sideways glares whenever the others weren’t looking weren’t normal. Even if they were more on Petra’s part, she could pick out the grumpy, displeased glint in his eyes whenever he looked at her. 

It went on for days. The only time it dissipated was when he saw her gathering the cleaning supplies out of the closet. There was no outward change in his always-grumpy demeanour, but the light would shift, and she would get a glimpse at the satisfaction and smugness there. She would grip the mop handle tight, disguising her clenched fists, hold her head high and sweep past him to meet Finn, with his own collection of cleaning supplies.

“I’m really sorry for getting us in trouble.” Petra wrung the excess water out of the mop. The classroom for the recruits was unbelievably filthy. Finn stared at her in surprise from the window, letting the spray dribble onto the window frame. 

“Don’t apologise! It was my fault. I was a dumbass. I made too much noise.” Finn sighed. “The captain is really strict.” 

“Mm.” 

“Training must be on another level for you guys!” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’d hate to see him when he’s like, off-the-rails furious. He scared me enough as it is!”

Petra only nodded in response. She was close to snapping at him. Really, any mention of the captain was enough to ignite the dynamite of anger- and hurt- still resting in her heart. Finn gushing on and on about him was not doing her any favours. 

It wasn’t Finn’s fault, though. Could she blame him for being captivated by the strange captain? She’d been in his position. Still was, despite how much she hated herself for it. Besides, the more logical- even if it was smaller- part of her brain knew that it was good he was going on about the _captain,_ and not the interaction he saw between the captain and Petra. She had to hope that he hadn’t picked up on the captain’s clear preferential treatment. 

For a few minutes, they worked in companionable silence. Finn floated from window to window, Petra scrubbed from corner to corner. Every now and then she’d comment on something, or bring up a new topic, but Finn would manage to turn it around onto the topic of the captain. Petra didn’t even know it was possible for anyone to have a bigger crush on the captain than her or Auruo. 

“God, my friends are going to be so jealous when I tell then that _the_ Captain Levi yelled at me!” Finn whooped. A tiny smile tugged at Petra’s lips at his giddiness.

“The captain doesn’t yell. And you’ll have to tell them what rule you were breaking to get to that point, you know.” 

“I know, but he’s just so _scary_ ,” Finn said in awe. He cursed as he stumbled over a chair lying on the floor, almost pitching forward. “I don’t know how you can talk to him like that!” 

Petra winced. She’d hoped he would have forgotten what little of her outburst he had seen. “Uh, yeah. He’s… he’s not so scary if you know him.” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” 

" _Cool!”_ Finn almost bounced up and down. Good thing he channeled his energy and enthusiasm into his cleaning; Petra had never seen finer work. Well, maybe except for the captain himself. 

“Is it true he can take down three titans at once?” 

“Not at _once_ , but in a few seconds, yeah.” 

“Can he really break every bone in a man’s body in one second?” 

That brought Petra up short. She gaped at him for a second. “I don’t know. Maybe. But he wouldn’t.” 

She wasn’t deaf to the rumours that circulated around the barracks from time to time. A lot of the newer recruits would whisper and gossip about the grumpy captain and his days before the Survey Corps, mystified. _My cousin is in the Military Police and they used to chase him all the time, because he tortured and murdered an entire gang,_ or _that child over there, the one in the orphanage, they say_ he _killed his parents,_ or _Commander Erwin is the only thing holding him back from going on a killing spree in the night._

If they kept going on like that, they weren’t in danger of a killing spree from the captain. They were in danger of a killing spree from _her._ Hearing that made her want to throttle them until they apologised. She wasn’t entirely sure of the details of his life in the underground herself, but she knew that he would never hurt anyone. Despite his off-putting personality and permanent scowl, she knew deep down that he was a kind man. He would never torture anyone or prolong anyone’s death for the sake of making it hurt. The same man who held dying soldiers hands and promised to avenge their deaths wouldn’t do that. She was certain of it. 

“He wouldn’t ever hurt anyone,” Petra said firmly. 

“Aw.” Finn’s face dropped. 

“Don’t look disappointed! Did you _want_ him to kick your ass?” 

At the look on his face, Petra decided that she didn’t want to know the answer to that. 

“At least you’re not mad at him for chewing you out like he did,” she muttered. Finn shrugged. 

“He _is_ a captain. And I was out after curfew. Honestly, I thought I was in for worse. Like a permanent mark on my record or something.” With that, he returned to scrubbing the window sill, humming pleasantly under his breath. 

Petra blinked. She returned to her mopping, her mind racing. Finn was hardly bothered at all by the captain’s discipline. It was all it was; a captain’s discipline on a soldier out of line. And Petra had used it in a way to attack him personally for her own unsorted feelings that weren’t his fault. Guilt, small and dark and ugly, crept into her. 

It was still on her mind as they exited the classroom, arms laden with cleaning supplies and soiled towels. As Petra opened the door, she almost smacked straight into a frantic Moblit. 

“Oh! I’m sorry, Moblit, I didn’t see you there.” 

He skidded on the newly polished floor for a moment, his eyes wild and his hair rumpled. His arms were full of files, stamped with Squad Leader Mike’s signature. The second he caught sight of her, he almost melted to the floor in relief. 

“Petra,” he said her name like a prayer. “Could you deliver these to the captain for me? Mike needed them delivered, but he had to see the commander, and I was going to but then Hanji suddenly ran off, something about riding up to the military counsel herself to demand another titan-capture expedition and I didn't have time to tell her what a bad idea that was before she was running out to the horses-”

“Moblit! _Breathe._ I’ll take them, don’t worry. Go after the squad leader.” 

“Thank you!” He piled them atop of the cleaning supplies, and took off running. 

Petra adjusted the new load in her arms. Truthfully, she hadn’t wanted to face the captain alone, at least for a few more days. But poor Moblit was more stressed than she’d ever seen him, and that was saying something. Besides, she couldn’t very well send Finn in her stead, no matter how much he may like it. 

Perhaps it was the goddesses telling her up above that _this_ was the time. For what, she didn't know. 

Finn grinned at her as he graciously took the supplies out of her arms. “I can put them away. I’ll make sure to put them in the correct place.” 

“Thanks, Finn.” 

She watched him lose his footing on a slippery mark in the corridor, waiting until he disappeared from sight to take a deep breath, gathering her scattered thoughts. 

The walk to his office felt shorter than usual. She stood in front of his door, her hand hovering over the wood like an idiot. 

Before she could stop and slide the files under his door and take off running, give it more time to blow over, she knocked once, then twice, and waited. 

“What?” Snappy, even for him. He wasn’t in a good mood. She winced. 

“It’s Petra Ral, sir.” 

There was a pause before, “Come in.” 

Her footsteps were light as she entered, like a rabbit prepared to run. Delicately, she placed the folders on the edge of his desk. “From Squad Leader Mike, sir.”

Levi barely acknowledged them. Or her. He muttered a _thanks_ under his breath, his attention on the files in front of him. Petra shuffled back slightly. The awkward tension in the air was suffocating. It would be best to salute, tiptoe out of the room and hope that it would blow over on its own. Except Petra knew him, and she knew herself. 

“What, Petra?” Levi growled. He sounded annoyed. “If you don’t need anything, get out. I’m busy.” 

“I- I wanted to apologise, sir.” Petra lowered her gaze to the floor, swallowed back the lump in her throat. “My behaviour was out of line. I’m sorry.” 

And she was. She really was. Even if an argument took two people, and he was still responsible for his share, he was still someone she cared about, even if it was more than she should. 

He finally looked up at her, his face devoid of any expression. It was like staring at a wall. The uncomfortable silence stretched on, and Petra felt her face heat up. She started to babble. 

“I’m also sorry for my...when I left. You. A few nights ago.” Fuck. Petra was good with words, with saying what she felt, but it was like her tongue was too heavy in her mouth, hard to get around to talk. As the captain just stared at her like she’d grown another head, Petra sputtered out another apology, wheeling for the door. 

“Oi, Petra.” From behind her, she heard him get to his feet. Petra froze, her hand hovering over the doorknob. Slowly, she turned, and the captain had not taken his eyes off her. He leaned back against his desk, regarding the floor with narrowed eyes. Not with anger at her, but with something else turned inward at himself.

“You don’t have to apologise.” 

“About...what I said? In front of Finn?” 

“No.” His expression seemed to soften in the dim light. “About running out. You don’t need to apologise for that, so you can stop looking like you’ve shit your pants. If you didn’t want to fuck, then you didn’t want to fuck.” He glanced back up at her and she recognized the same harsh look as when he disciplined them all in training. “But you can grovel all you fucking want about exploding at your superior in front of a recruit. That was something not even a cadet does, you fucking hear? I was close to putting you on toilet duty.” 

“You did.” Petra reminded him, stepping forward. Her hands were firm on her hips, and she felt her temper rise despite it all. “So are you saying that the way you treated Finn was fair?” 

“Fucking hell, Petra. He needed disciplinary action. Drop it already, and maybe I’ll forgive you.” 

“Who said _I_ forgive you?” Petra huffed. The captain snorted, came around to lean in front of his desk. 

“Military fucking protocal says so.” He reached out and grabbed her hips, pulling her forward. She stumbled onto him, gasping out of surprise. Levi eased her back slightly so she was almost straddling his thigh.

“Does it say this, sir?” Petra’s voice was light, her head spinning. The captain decided not to reply. His lips went to her jaw, his nose in her hair. 

Didn’t he say that he wanted to end their agreement? Did he not mean it? 

Oh, this only made it so much harder. 

Petra’s breath caught and she almost melted under his touch, gentle on her body; a rare occurrence that turned her knees to water. Coherent thought soon escaped her. The world dropped away, and it was only them. Damn, she hadn’t realised how much she had been craving this behind the frustration and anger of the last few days. Was there something she was forgetting?

There was only him, and she was consumed. 

“You said,” He kissed her chin, his hands moving under her waistband. Petra shivered. 

“I said what?” 

“There was something you wanted to tell me.” He whispered the words against the corner of her lips, a breath away from kissing her fully. “Is this okay?” 

_Yes,_ Petra wanted to breathe. Her entire body was on fire, sparking with pleasure. He was being so gentle. He was so strong, and cold, and intimidating, that it was so easy to forget he could be gentle when he wanted to be. 

_When he wanted to be._

He could be gentle now, but he was so stubborn earlier when he refused to apologise. Yes, Petra was at fault. So was he. Petra had apologised, and he hid behind the military protocol excuse when everything else they did together was far beyond an innocent, accidental breach. 

It was like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water over her head. Once again, she went rigid in his arms. Levi sensed it immediately. He pulled back, his hands loose on her waist. 

Petra’s hair fell forward into her face. She didn’t want to look into his eyes. Her body missed the warmth of him, and it was so, so tempting to reach for him again. As if to stop herself, her fingers curled around his wrists. 

Deep down, she knew that it wasn’t worth the pleasure now, only for the pain of being tossed aside later to linger long in her heart. It was like cutting off an addict’s supply. It was unbearable now, only for it to be worlds better later. She just had to believe it. 

“Sir.” Petra winced, still hiding behind her shield of hair. “Levi. I don’t want this.” 

The silence that followed was- well, unbearable. She could feel his intense eyes trained on her.

“What do you want?” 

_I want you._

“I don’t want this. To do this.” _Look up. You owe him that much._ She pushed the hair out of her eyes, caught his gaze, and with all the strength she had left, she held it. Gently, she pried his hands off her waist, and he retracted them immediately. He barely shifted, but she knew. He’d retreated back into himself, went on the defensive. Not one part of him was revealed to Petra. 

She’d accepted that long ago, but it still stung some part of her. 

“I don’t want to do this anymore. _This,_ ” She gestured between them with her fingers, willed them to stop shaking. “What we have between us.” 

_I want all of you._

“You want to stop fucking?” Levi said. Petra cringed at his choice of words, but he said better than she did. 

“Yes.”

_I want what you can’t give me, because you don’t have it for me. And I don’t think you ever will._

He stepped out from under her, moving around to the other side of his desk. Putting a barrier between them, as if one hadn’t erupted from the ground already. His tone was so neutral. 

“Alright.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Petra,” Something had finally leached into his voice. A tinge of irritation. At her? At himself? She had no way of knowing. “Don’t fucking apologise for how you feel. It’s not your fault.” 

“It’s not yours, either!” She winced at how loud her voice was in the unnatural quiet of the room. “It’s not anyone’s fault. It just- this couldn’t go on forever.” 

“Mmm.” 

“I just felt-” 

“Petra. You don’t have to tell me how you feel. That’s your own business.” 

He said it with such finality. Like that was it. He wasn't curious, wasn't going to fight it, wasn't going try and sway her decision. Hadn’t she wanted that? A clean, easy break, so there was no lingering what-ifs at the edge of her vision, watching him with a hope that could never happen. 

She was so, so selfish. Why couldn’t she be content with anything? 

In a way, she _was_ glad he decided not to press it. Even if he asked, would she ever be able to articulate her words properly? How much would she be risking just by telling him the truth? The already rickety balance they had as captain and soldier? The entire squad? 

That wasn’t even counting his rejection like someone had hit her over the head with a brick. 

Petra would get over her little crush. She would, like she’d gotten over Edger. It would take some time; maybe even a lot of time, but the scars on her heart would heal. She’d known what it was like to feel his touch on her body, and she would accept that. Live off it. 

“Thank you, sir.” Petra murmured. He nodded at her, keeping his distance from behind his desk like the king hidden behind his walls. 

Before she could think about it, she leapt forward and threw her arms around his neck in a tight hug. If she was giving up on her childish fantasy, she may as well give it a proper goodbye. Give _him_ a proper goodbye. After this, they’d never interact in this comfortable way again, at least not for a long time. It was odd. She’d fucked him, kissed every inch of his body, but she didn’t think she’d ever hugged him like this, as if it was an intimacy far beyond fucking. It delved into friendship. 

She was happy with that, she told herself. 

He was statue-still in her arms. Petra held her breath as she felt his hand come around her waist hesitantly.

“Thank you,” Petra whispered again. The room was blurry. 

He did not reply, and she did not expect it. Slowly, she disengaged from him. He stared at her, his eyes completely dull and empty. 

She was at a loss for words. So she smiled weakly, and showed herself out. It was only after the door closed behind her that she realised that she did not feel any lighter. 

~

After that, it was as if their arrangement had never happened.

He never mentioned it, never singled her out, never looked at her any longer than he looked at the other men. There was no passive-aggressiveness, or subtle hints of what they had. To them, it had never even happened. Petra was relieved. And even if there were times- more times than she cared to admit- that she wished that he would pull her into a closet and kiss her senseless and whisper sweet, meaningless words into her ear, she knew better than to hold onto them. She shed those fairytale fantasies like an old cloak and stepped back, focused entirely on her role as a soldier by his side. That in itself was more than she ever wanted, and she felt herself settling back into contentedness, gladly accepting her role. If she died tomorrow, Petra thought, she really wouldn’t have any regrets. 

And with the expedition looming closer, she would certainly find out if that was true. Maybe if it was, she would go out and treat herself to a few drinks. If she was still alive by then. 

The preparations for the expedition had them holding onto any moment of sleep they could get. Every moment was spent getting their gear together, making sure their horses were well fed and rested, gathering supplies, sharpening their blades. They would rush through their meals just to get everything together in time. Petra forced Finn to stop his nightly workout routines to get every bit of sleep he could, and he obeyed immediately. Good. She didn’t want to see another friend die. 

The purpose of the expedition was to set up another supply point along their routes, and their squad was responsible for clearing out the pathway for the wagons to plough through without trouble. A while ago, the thought of being put in the path of the titans as bait of sorts would scare the shit out of her, but now the fear didn’t even register. 

_I could die today,_ the thought struck her with the intensity of a cotton ball as she brushed down her horse, feeding him chunks of apple. He nickered, as if in reply, cool as ice. He wasn’t too stressed, so Petra decided she wasn’t, either. Maybe it was a bit silly to take cues from a horse, but he was far better company than listening to the rookies throw up from the fear. 

“Petra, all the horses ready?” The captain stood in the stable entrance, military efficient as always. Petra flinched, her horse taking his chance to snatch all the apple chunks out of her hand as she stood salute. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good.” 

He stepped around her, leading his horse out. Petra followed with her own, letting him graze on the grass outside while she brought out Erd’s horse. The captain brushed the backs of his fingers along his horse’s nose gently. Petra found herself staring, almost captivated by the gentleness. Before he could notice, she whipped her head away and took out Gunther’s horse, half expecting the captain to leave and finalise preparations. He did not. 

“Nervous?” He said suddenly, making her jolt. Petra could never get used to that. He would stand there so silently, like he wasn’t even breathing, and you would forget he was there. 

“No, sir.” 

“We could die today,” The captain said calmly. “Any regrets if you do?” 

Petra held his stare. 

“No, sir.” 

“Good.” He stared out in the direction of the sun, just starting to peak over the horizon. “Neither do I.” 

Petra nodded, found nothing else to say. Auruo’s horse finally came out, stubborn as always, and she tied his reins loosely to the fence post. She felt the captain’s eyes on the back of her head. Did he want to say something? Did he expect her to? 

When she caught his eyes, something simmered in them. There was the slight furrow in his brow, the one she loved- once loved. The one that was the only indication he was thinking hard. 

Despite her better judgement, her heart seized in her chest. The stables disappeared around them, and Petra found herself wondering, wanting to know, _craving_ what he was going to say. Anything, from the good to the bad. Anything outside the realm of their captain-soldier relationship. 

Petra jumped out of her skin as the thundering voice of one of the other squad leaders, amplified through the tinny loudhailer, burst through the stable. Whatever uncertainty in the captain's face was gone in an instant. He swept past her, all business, and surveyed the situation outside. The newer squads had already assembled before the barracks. The footsteps of her squadmates approached the stables; she could hear Erd joking around, Gunther telling him to focus, and Auruo biting his tongue. 

“Get moving, Petra.” The captain hoisted himself up onto his horse. The perfect blank slate of her superior. “We’re not waiting around for you.” 

Before she could say anything else, he had ridden out to join the other leaders, hearing him bark orders at the others. 

“Jeez,” Gunther stood in the centre of the open stable doors. “He seemed more pissed off than normal.” 

“Yeah, Pet, what'd you do?” 

“Heh,” Auruo chuckled, in that pompous, annoying-as-fuck imitation of his. “Probably annoyed him by telling him about all the kills she would make today,” The premature wrinkles in his face looked even older when he scrunched his mouth up like that. “You can try, woman, but you’ll never beat me!” 

“Shut up. You only have more solo kills because you suck in a team, jackass,” Petra elbowed him sharply in the ribs. Blood spurted from his mouth again, and Petra tossed him her handkerchief. 

“Stop messing around,” Gunther, military efficient as always, was already atop his horse. “We’ll leave without you and _neither_ of you will get to up your kills.” 

“You’re so boring,” Erd said good-naturedly as he swung onto his horse. “Maybe you should be second.” 

“Watch out. He might be gunning for your spot, you know,” Petra laughed. Erd leaned over to whack her, almost pitching off his horse as she darted out of the way and knocked into Auruo. It was like the goddesses had a vendetta against him as fresh blood dribbled out onto the handkerchief. 

The lighthearted energy of her second family elevated any remaining stress she had for the expedition. Even her conflicted thoughts about the captain were banished from her mind. As she rode out, opposite Auruo and behind the captain, she was only thinking of the mission. Good. Exactly what she should be doing, and what she should be thinking. Anything else could wait. 

They rode down the streets and patiently waited as the gates opened, listening to the groan of the old gear mechanics. Behind her, she heard a rookie retch. Heard the cheers combined with the jeers from the public. Many of the cheers were directed to her captain. High on his horse, with his back straight and his constant scowl, he looked every bit as proud and dangerous as everyone expected him to be. Every bit of that perfect, emotionless, blank man they loved. He was a stranger to them all. And when he sat like this, his walls as high as the ones they lived in, he was a stranger to her as well. 

Petra steeled herself, got her breath under control as the Commander’s booming, rich voice travelled over the convoy. He lifted his hand up, and the public seemed to hold their breath. When he brought it down, the roar of the crowd almost drowned out the galloping of their horses hooves. The gate slammed shut behind them, and they were out in titan territory. 

A five metre ambushed them as they sped through the ruins of a village, emerging into the wide, open fields. Petra kept her gaze trained ahead as the supporting squad dived in. The yelling and the stomping became background noise, and she did not look back even as the sickening crunch of bones was loud in the air. 

“Prepare for long distance scouting formation!” Commander Erwin raised his flare gun to the sky. Smoke drifted as he fired it, carried over by wind. One by one, the squads began to drop off, growing smaller and smaller until they were barely visible, swallowed up by the sea of grass. Petra hated riding over the fields. The trees were sparse, the sheer openness of the fields ominous. If titans jumped them, they could only run helplessly. Fighting them was almost a death sentence. No trees to fall back to, no high buildings to recuperate on. Even the captain hated fighting here, even if he did not struggle like the rest of them. 

She suppressed a shiver as they charged forward, almost level with the commander’s entourage. There they could assess where the titans were coming from. Easy to charge over to lead them off course, far away from the wagons. 

For a while, it was calm. Unsettlingly calm. There were no flares from any direction, and they rode in peace. A rarity. Petra was on edge, every muscle ready to spring on instinct. From the tight tension in her squadmate’s faces, she knew they were prepared for the same thing. As they forged ahead, longer and longer without any sign of danger, she half-expected to barge into all the titans having a tea party or something.

The forest of trees grew larger in the distance. Maybe she shouldn’t have found comfort in that, but reassurance grew as they headed straight for them. At least there they had a far better chance of fighting. If they could make it into the safety of the trees without any titan sightings, then the chances of returning with almost all the troops intact was high.

The thought buoyed her spirits slightly. The new recruits were most at risk of dying on their first expedition, even though the commander placed them in safer units with the experienced veterans. If they could avoid as many casualties as possible- 

“Titans spotted on the left flank by the medical cart!” 

Petra whipped her head around at the commander’s voice. In the distance, black smoke curled through the sky. Without hesitation, the captain veered to the left, his cloak billowing in the wind behind him. The squad followed after, as smooth and clean as a river turning a corner. Petra unsheathed her blades, swapping her grip on the reins with ease as a giant mass of naked flesh appeared over the hill. A girl screamed; a teenager, by the sound of it. Petra gritted her teeth, urging her horse faster as it got shriller and weaker. Bounding over the hill, the captain pulled his horse to a grinding halt as he surveyed the scene in front of them. His face was shadowed. 

Petra had known that it was an abnormal. There wasn’t much you could convey through smoke signals, but the commander had made sure that there was a colour for them. Only the best could handle it. And yes, they’d tackled many abnormals, seen their fair share of them. Dealt with their fair share of them. Seen many of her comrades torn apart and spat out by them.

But as Petra stood atop the hill, she could not help the carefully hidden horror at the beasts before them. 

“Erd, Gunther, get the ten metre,” The captain’s voice was dark and low. “Petra, wounded. Auruo, get the ankles of the fifteen metre. I’ll get the fucker on the ground.” 

The abnormal, crawling on the ground on all fours, spat the upper half of a teenage girl out of its mouth. Her blank eyes stared up at the sky, as if committing it to memory, the last thing she wanted to see. Blood was caught in the grotesque patch of facial hair on the titan's upper lip, dribbling down into the beard on its chin. 

No questions. The hooks made a squelching noise as they sunk into the flesh of the three titans. A fourth lay dead on the ground. Petra leapt off her horse, sprinting for a recruit writhing besides it. He stared up at her, blood bubbling from his mouth, his eyes big and frantic. Carefully, Petra peeled his hands away from where they were pressed against his side, blocking out his whimpers. She sighed in relief. He would be in pain, most likely for weeks, but he would live. 

Tearing through his cloak, she bandaged it as best she could, pulling his arm around her neck as she gripped him around the waist. He would live, but riding on a horse could pull him out of service entirely. Damnit, where was the medical cart? 

“There,” The boy whispered, his voice raspy. He raised a shaking finger to the cart wedged between two crumbling cottages. The remaining squadmates, plus the drivers of the cart, pulled and yanked every way to get it free. 

The ground trembled as Auruo’s titan smashed to the ground, and Gunther flew in for the killing blow. Erd had sliced the wrists of his titan, dodging the other hand as he tried to get a grip on the neck. And the captain…

Petra clenched her fists, tried to ease some of the coiled tension, tried to ignore every instinct screaming at her to help him. The giant abnormal was snapping like a dog, rearing up on its legs. Even for experienced soldiers, it was tough. Maybe even a challenge for the captain. It wouldn’t have deterred him, _shouldn’_ _t_ have deterred him, but something was wrong. He was slower than usual, even if he held up far better than anyone else. 

She squinted at his slender figure, haloed from the sun, and focused on the puffs of air coming out of his gas canisters. When she first saw him fight, she made a study of how much gas he used and his fluid movements, hoping she could replicate it herself. Now, there wasn’t as much gas coming out as there usually was, even _if_ he was trying to conserve. 

Was something wrong with his gear? 

The urge to drop everything, even the injured boy at the side, and soar into the air to help him out was unbearable. 

But he had given her an order. So she would follow through. 

“Come on,” Petra hissed as they hobbled over to the others. They were pulling hard on the cart, trying to get it to move. Passing the boy over to his uninjured squadmate, Petra grabbed onto the edge of the wagon, yanking it with all her strength. The wheels were trapped tight between rotting, crumbling bricks. She fell to her hands and knees, gear clanking together, and squeezed into the tiny gap under it. Holding her blades backwards, she hit the bricks with the hand grips, over and over again. The old stones groaned and rattled as she chipped away at the rotting mortar until she could wiggle it free with her hands. With one final shove, the first one came loose, and one wheel was freed. She kicked and pushed at the second one, which gave way after one good shove. 

The horses in front of her suddenly reared up with a frightened noise. Outside, she heard the other soldiers shout to each other, their voices laced with fear. The wheels started to move fast as everyone pulled at it at once. 

She rolled out from under it before she got trampled, just in time to see the wagon come free completely. The injured boy was loaded on before the squad leader, a sturdy man named Hans, jumped up onto the front of it and snapped the reins. The horses took off and the other soldiers backed away, staring up in horror. 

The abnormal, its hand steaming, scooped up a handful of rubble and flung it through the air. Petra’s eyes widened as it sailed right for where the cart was trapped just a second ago. Her heart hammering, she threw herself away as far as she could, covering her head in her hands. The ground quivered under the impact as soil and grit and pebbles flew up, splattering Petra’s body. Through her fingers, she watched the medical cart grow smaller and smaller into the distance, until it disappeared from view entirely. The remaining soldiers, mainly made up of new recruits on their first mission, dithered uselessly, shell-shocked. They stared up at the looming titan in horror.

“Go! Get on your horses and _go!_ We’ll handle this!” Leaping to her feet, she shoved the nearest soldier to his horse. His hands trembled as he hoisted himself up, but soon he was disappearing into the distance, followed by the rest. It was just Petra, her squadmates, and the captain. 

Perfect. 

Erd had just sliced the neck of his titan, blood splattered in his hair. Auruo and Gunther flew around the abnormal as a distraction while he captain neared the neck again and again. Again and again, the titan twisted at just the right moment, fell to the ground, slipped out of reach like a snake. Petra felt chills all the way down to her bones. An intelligent abnormal. 

With every move the captain made, it was more and more obvious to Petra that there was something wrong with his gear. He had to have known, too, because as soon as Petra flew up to join them, he retreated. The dark, stony expression on his face scared Petra more than any titan. He landed back on his horse, riding hard, and intercepted the titan in its path. It skidded to a halt, reaching for him.

With a fierce cry, Petra’s hooks sunk into the nape of the neck and she flew. She neared the nape in less than a second, her blades out and ready. She was so, so close- her blades dug into the thick skin, tearing through in a wild spurt of blood- 

Suddenly, the titan jerked forward. Petra jerked with it, so fast she got whiplash, but her blades stayed back as she made the cut. The sliver of flesh flew through the air, and Petra caught a glimpse of it before it plummeted to the ground. It was far too shallow. 

_“Petra!”_

She shrieked as the hand came out of nowhere, slapping for her. Quick as lightning, her wires rerouted, rocketed her back to the ground. Landing hard, she rolled for a moment, the breath knocked out of her, before Gunther pulled her to her feet. 

“What the fuck is this thing?” He muttered under his breath. Petra only shrugged in response, breathing hard. 

Distantly, a flare went off. Red, followed by green smoke, drifted up into the sky, followed by another, and another, drawing closer and closer to them. Titans spotted where the others were, so they were heading to where the strongest squad was thought to have destroyed all the danger. If they couldn’t get rid of this one, they would be led into a death trap. 

“Regroup!” Levi shouted. They landed back on their horses, speeding around to meet him. As soon as they gathered together as a unit, the captain took off. The titan was hot on their heels as they raced after him. 

“If we can’t kill this bastard, then we’ll lead it away from the others,” Levi growled as they approached the giant forest, his balled fist resting on his gear. “On my command, split.” 

The wind and blood thundered in Petra’s ears as the giant forest of trees zoomed towards them, closer and closer. They would crash into it, become smears of blood and guts on the bark. Petra didn’t breathe as they charged straight into the trunk of the biggest trees outlying the forest- 

“Now!” In the last second, Levi veered to the left. Instinctively, Petra jerked the reins and followed directly behind him. Erd charged ahead of Gunther and Auruo and they headed right, weaving expertly through the roots rippling under the ground. Petra caught the flick of Gunther’s horse’s tail as they disappeared into the leaves. 

The titan slammed _hard_ head first into the tree. The sturdy tree did not tremble under the brunt, but leaves showered down from the weaker branches up top. Petra brushed one out of her face, glancing at the titan from the corner of her eye as it grew smaller and smaller in the distance. It seemed to stare at her with one lifeless eye, its face mashed into the bark. 

Their horses dodged the bigger tree roots and undergrowth snaking across their path. It wasn’t even a proper path at all. When titans would stumble through the forest, their giant feet would trample the ground into a smooth road. Clearly they had not been down this way before, and for once Petra regretted that there had not been more of them around. 

“Petra! Focus!” Levi snapped. 

She shook her head, sped up to his side. “Orders, sir?” 

“Regroup with the others,” He grunted as his horse narrowly missed a thick root protruding from the ground. “There should be a clearing up ahead. If the others don’t fuck around or catch any titans, they should get there soon. We’ll meet them and-” 

The ground did not tremble under their feet, and the air did not move. But the chill that erupted across Petra’s skin and the shiver that went down her spine was unmistakable. Her stomach weighed down heavy with dread. 

“Get to the trees!” The captain was already soaring through the air when another titan burst through a clump of thick bushes, lunging for them. Fear clamped down hard on Petra’s muscles, but she shot her hooks up and rocketed along after him, half of a second behind and a quarter of a second away from being crushed. 

The air whistled through her ears as she touched down on a branch high above the ground. Levi strayed closer to the titan, hooked onto the base of a tree, just out of the titans reach. He whistled to the horses, slowing down now as Levi and Petra launched off their backs, and they skidded obediently to a stop. The titan below took no notice of the gentle animals, leering at Levi and quite close to reaching him with its stubby arms. Despite her better judgement, her stomach churned with fear for him. She had to bite her tongue to stop herself from calling out anxiously. He was the captain. He had everything in control. 

As if answering her question, he nimbly climbed higher up the trunk, shooting his hooks into the tree near hers and flying to her with ease. The beast underneath them grabbed for him, but he was far out of reach. He landed beside her, his brow furrowed with frustration. 

“We can’t get to the others without getting rid of _this_ fucker now.” He glared down at the titan below, who stared back up with gormless eyes. A ten metre. Not an abnormal. Legs were slow, as if it was moving through tar, but the arms were quick and sure. Jittery, clawing at the bark. Maybe it would be life threatening and difficult for rookies and standard squads. For her captain, it was like crushing a bug. 

“Slash the ankles.” Levi said. “Unless you think you can get the nape on your own. Looking to up your solo kills, Petra?” 

He was so sure of himself and of her that it was almost a game. Petra craved his confidence in her more than anything else. It fueled the adrenaline in her veins. She unsheathed her blades, tried to hide the enthusiasm at something so bleak. 

“Of course, sir.” She bent her knees, preparing to spring. Her blood sang. Her muscles relished the slight ache from the ODM, the familiar _thump_ of it against her hips. Distantly, she heard the hooks dig into the bark over the titan’s head, felt herself move forward- 

“Shit!” Levi grabbed her by the shoulder, wrenching her back onto the branch. Petra cried out at the shock, her heart pounding. The ODM still propelled her forward, tugging painfully at her torso, but Levi held her firm until the hooks dislodged and flew back into her gear. Petra winced at the harsh vibrations rattling against her bones. Levi let her go, let her right herself, before he spoke. 

“Down there.” She followed his stony gaze to a pair of eyes peeking out from under the branch of the tree Petra was planning to swing to. Slightly taller than the first one, scarily still, and watching them like a hawk. 

“Tch. That’ll teach us to not treat this like a fucking game.” Levi muttered. They observed the second one for a moment longer. It barely moved, but from what Petra could remember about Hanji’s findings, the still ones were more likely to be faster and quicker. They struck like a snake. 

“If we lure it into the open, it’ll be easier to kill.” Petra said quietly. She’d faced down plenty of titans in her career, but something about those eyes unnerved her. “Or we could make it to the clearing by air.” 

“We can’t afford to leave our horses behind.” His brain was working hard. Petra could see it in his face. He could assess a situation quickly, work out every possible outcome as if he could already see it happening in front of him. “You’re right. If we get it out, I can get the nape.” He turned his gaze onto her. “Ready to act as bait?” 

Her orders were clear. “Yes, sir.” 

“Good. We take out the first one. I’ll get the ankles, you get the nape. If it doesn’t come out at that, swing closer. Got it?” 

“Perfectly.” She gritted her teeth, readied her blades. The captain nodded, his jaw set. His eyes narrowed, and his cloak billowed out behind him as he plummeted through the air and caught the beast’s ankles. She could’ve blinked and he would’ve already completed it. The titan had no time to react, no time to catch him. The blades made a squelching, wet noise as he cut through the flesh easily. The titan toppled to the ground. Steam wafted up from the ankles, and it roared. 

_Now._

Petra did not think of anything else except the blood pounding in her ears, the wind whistling through her hair as she swooped down and slashed at the neck. Her blades dug deep, and she smiled grimly at the wedge of flesh that flew through the air. Blood stained her cloak and jacket, the thrill of adrenaline still singing in her veins. That was far too anti-climatic, she thought distantly. Or maybe she’d become too accustomed to long, drawn out kills that wore down all her energy. This one lacked excitement, lacked danger. 

_No,_ she shook her head. Cockiness was just going to get her killed. And she would curse herself out when she actually got what she wanted. 

The captain nodded at her. Petra caught the carefully concealed pride in his eyes, even from across the gap in the trees. She grinned, lowered herself nearer her to the ground. The second titan’s eyes were glued onto her, but it didn’t move, still disguised behind all those leaves. 

Petra inched closer, aware of every little thing that moved. The bugs crawling on the ground, the bird flying high above her, the tiny, tiny twitching of the titan’s eyes. She didn’t dare breathe. 

_Come on. Come out, asshole. Come out and we’ll cut your neck._

She swung closer. Every muscle in her body was coiled, tense, ready to spring back in record quick time. Now she was so close she could see the tiny patches of downy hair on its head, almost invisible in the shade. Still, it did not budge. 

There was only silence in her head. Even the beat of her heart did not reach her ears, her steady breathing as quiet as a butterfly's wing. Just a bit more… 

The titan lunged forward with startling speed. Petra bit back a cry as she leapt back, shooting her wires up. The gas canisters whirred as she shot upwards, just in time to avoid the titan’s outstretched arms and twitchy fingers. She perched on a tree, breathing hard, watching as the titan stumbled from the momentum, slammed into the ground. The captain soared in and Petra couldn’t help but watch, entranced by his fluid, smooth attack. Blades at the ready, he slashed the neck deeply with that strange technique of his. Well, Petra couldn’t judge. It got the job done far more efficiently than anyone else. 

He stood atop the steaming body of the titan. Petra grinned as she lowered herself nearer to the ground, hearing him mutter under his breath. He was cleaning his blades and hands, scrubbing hard. Such a stickler for cleanliness. The captain knew better than anyone else that it would evaporate into the air within minutes, but it seemed like minutes was too long for him. 

Petra would’ve been content just to watch him for hours, him and his sharp features and his careful movements, but even a rookie would not make the mistake of dawdling in titan territory. 

The captain turned to watch her sail down the tree, the red-stained handkerchief dangling from his fingers. Petra couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face, and she couldn’t help that it grew wider at his scowl. _Stop fucking around and get to the horses before you get killed, dumbass,_ it said. Or perhaps it was _Unless you plan on taking a shit right there, get moving._ The possibilities were endless with him and his unique vocabulary. 

Somewhere in the distance, a branch snapped under the weight of something. 

The air stilled around her. It could’ve been a deer, a rabbit, even the horses of another squad. It could be anything living out in this giant forest. 

The mirth leached out of her, like wringing water out of a cloth. Her skin prickled, and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. Like before, nothing had changed. The birds still sung. The wind still rustled the leaves. 

Nothing had changed. But the captain had always told her to trust her gut instinct. 

The scream that ripped from her throat was painful, and it was one, single word as the abnormal from before charged forward from the clump of trees they had emerged from, scrambling on its hands and knees and diving for-

_“Levi!”_

Fear seized her heart, thrust it deep into her stomach. She could only focus on him, standing alone on the fallen body. Him, standing alone and not making any effort to fly, because something was wrong, _something was wrong and his wires weren’t working._

They were fucking _jammed._

Her vision fractured. She saw his lips move in a curse, silent under the frantic trampling of the titan. He hurled himself off the dead body, sprinting for the horses; he was so unbelievably quick, all in a few seconds, but he was not quicker than the giant speeding towards him, so close- 

Petra did not think as she leapt off the trunk, shooting her hooks mid-air and swooping down to meet him. She intercepted him, so low to the ground her feet scraped along the grass. The breath was knocked out of them both as they crashed together. Her arms came around him clumsily, fumbling under his arms and around his waist, his chest pressed against hers, with no time to readjust themselves into a more secure position. Petra’s leg brushed against the missed fist of the titan, grabbing for them as they shot upwards. The world was a flash of colours, bright against dark and lights dancing into shadows. She could not focus on anything except the captain in her trembling arms. Her grasp was slipping on him, too heavy for her to carry, and his lips were moving urgently against her neck, an order she couldn’t understand. 

She forced her gaze back into focus. In the distance, looming closer and closer, the hooks began to dislodge, one by one, from the tree they had pierced. Their combined weight was too much for the wires, and they were shaking under the strain. The captain could surely hear the terrified rapid beat of her heart now. Petra’s eyes widened as she felt them sag lower instead of propelling them up onto the branch. At this rate, they would slam into the tree at such a high speed they would not have to worry about the titan, or the hooks would fly back into her gear and they would fall into the waiting mouth and hands below. 

They would not die here. No. Petra swore on it, on the sun and the Walls and the goddesses. _They would not._

She gritted her teeth. Before she could regret it, she set her plan - the only one she could think of that would at least give them a tiny chance of survival- in motion. 

It was like some sick kind of irony from the goddesses above. Somewhere in the chaos of her mind, the only calm, sane- or perhaps insane- part picked out that it was like a repeat of training a week ago. It was already wired into her body. Instinct. Reflex. Which was good, because she was hardly thinking. 

Her hooks flew free, tree bark and wood chips splintering everywhere, and for a second they were airbourne, falling towards the ground. She rerouted her hooks, squeezed her gas triggers as hard as she could, and they rocketed towards a lower branch. It was too close to the titan for comfort, but high enough for safety. Petra gasped as her weak grip on him finally slackened and for one horrifying moment, he was slipping out of her arms. With one final shove, exhausting what strength she had left, she threw him as hard as she could. She didn’t see where he landed, or how he landed, but that didn’t matter because she was only one second, now half a second away from joining him- 

Petra screamed when the giant hand appeared out of nowhere and grabbed her, yanking her back. Her wires were pulled taut, ripped from the tree with a sound that grated against her ears. Thick fingers wrapped around her torso, pinning her arms to her side and restricting all her movement. The abnormal stood on two legs, now tall enough to reach the branch Petra assumed was high enough...while the titan was crawling. Always crawling. In the hazy, white-washed landscape of her mind, she could only hear the captain grilling them. _Never assume anything. You either know or you don’t. And you better fucking know or else you’re going to get killed._

Idiot. _Idiot._

The titan brought her down so, so slowly to eye level, kneeling on its disproportionate legs. Petra stared into its lifeless face, almost captivated by the soulless, dead eyes. Someone had clamped a vice around her, cranking down tighter and tighter on the handle. Her legs swung uselessly in the air. Her muscles seized. Her stomach constricted. She couldn’t breathe. 

She couldn’t breathe because it was squeezing the life out of her. 

There was a whir. A click. A curse. Metal sung against metal. It was a cracking whip sort of noise that blended in with the breaking of her bones. Petra could no nothing except stare into those eyes. She wanted to cry out, but there was no air in her lungs. She couldn’t feel anything at all, and that was more terrifying than anything else. When she died, she wanted to feel. Remind herself that she had lived with love. You could not do that while you were unfeeling. 

Distantly, something else cracked. She closed her eyes as the titan lifted her higher, nearer to its wide, gaping mouth. It had no teeth. She would fall into a dark, endless abyss while the sun shone brightly above her head. 

No- the sun wasn’t shining anymore because it was covered. 

The captain spiralled out of the sky, his teeth bared. Lightening fast, he swung downwards, blades moving in a blur against the fingers closed tight around Petra, slashing at the fingers. One blade licked at her skin as the flesh fell around her, dragging up from her side to under her chest. She cried out as she fell into that dark pit. Strong hands came under her arms, hoisting her up and away from the darkness as far as he could get and they were soaring back across the forest. Her tears dried in the air while her wound cried out, and the whistle of the wind was distorted, as if she was submerged in water. The fear was still ingrained deep into her mind. Mixed with the sting and the pain of her entire body, it was almost unbearable. But she welcomed it. She could still feel. She was still alive. 

He set her down on a tree branch high above the ground. Her wound screamed at the movement as he shifted her to lie down. There was a sheer twenty metre drop either side of her. What a place to bind an injury. 

Petra stared up at him. His face was hard, and there was a leaf in his hair. His hands were red and there were lines imprinted on his fingers from where he squeezed the gear triggers. They were empty. She craned her neck to the side, catching a glimpse of the sunlight glinting off the blades far below. He’d thrown them aside before he grabbed her. Levi jerked her back before she pitched too far to the side. 

“Your blades,” She whispered. The captain barely looked at them, strewn over the forest floor as the titan nicked its toe off the edge of it. He was far more preoccupied with her wound. 

“They were dull anyway.” 

Petra would bet they weren’t, but she said nothing, silent as he worked. She watched that tiny sliver of emotion, always so hidden, expand and seep through the cracks. 

“You idiot. You dumbass. You complete fucking _dumbass.”_ He flung her cloak aside, tore through her shirt. His hands were sticky with blood, both steaming and stained. Petra gazed up into his eyes, trembling. Part from the shock and injury, and part from the cold anger in his eyes. Weakly, she reached up and grabbed his sleeve. Her voice shook, and it was hard to even get a whisper out. 

“Are you mad at me?” 

“I’m fucking _furious,_ Petra.” He said it with such carefully contained rage, a beast trapped in a cage, but he touched her gently. So, so gently. It was a shame that she couldn’t even feel it. Maybe it was the world sliding out of focus, or the white haze inching over her vision, or the constant pounding in her head that made her imagine the gentleness. It couldn’t be real otherwise. 

The captain slid his arm under her neck, cradling her head, as if she was as delicate as glass. _That_ was real, she decided. It was real, and it was enough. She sighed, a shuddering breath that came through her mouth. Somewhere in the blur that was everything outside, the captain’s grey eyes widened. 

Petra lay back. All her adrenline-fueled energy had dissipated, and she felt the world fade around her. 

_Well. You got what you wanted._

The puffs of white joined, covering the rain clouds, and she drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the time this update took; I've had a crazy past few months. Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews! I read all of them and it makes me so happy that people want to read more of this story.  
> I'll try my best to get the final chapter up as quick as I can!


	3. Chapter 3

She was looking at a stormcloud through a window. The white and grey and everything in between shifted and converged, then separated, then clouded back over and hid everything again. Nothing was discernible in the fog, transforming outside into a colourless nothing beyond the falling leaves of the tree close to the glass. The rain kept hitting the window rhythmically. It was relentless. 

_Beat. Beat. Beat._

She was back in her training dorm. Her bunkmates were strangely absent, but there was the weight of another person shifting on her bed. A person who, by the sound of their breathing, wasn’t her bunkmate.

Oh god. She remembered this day. It was thundering outside, but her bunkmates had avoided the dorm just to give her and Edger privacy for this moment. _The_ moment. They’d hurried away, giggling and whispering excitedly as they pulled their hoods over their heads and crammed into another room. _Petra, tell us_ everything _about it later,_ Rosemary, the girl who slept above her - she was dead now- had shrieked with mirth. 

It was like the goddesses were playing a trick on her. She’d bragged and laughed and, well, exaggerated the hell out of it later to her friends, hidden under sheets with the curtains drawn to hide the flicking orange glow of the candle. Truthfully, it was painful to remember. It was awkward and embarrassing and slightly uncomfortable, and she still cringed to think about it. 

Footsteps sounded close behind her. Petra kept her eyes on the water running down the window frame, wishing hard to be anywhere else. Edger was sweet, and kind, and everything she’d hoped for when she was a hormonal teenger learning to kill giant beasts but having no goddamn clue how to kiss properly. She’d learned from him, and grown from him, and appreciated him for everything that he helped her to do. She cherished their memories. Even if this particular, painful part was filed somewhere deep in her mind, she still recalled the warmth and the tenderness and the butterflies. In here, she knew what it felt like to be touched by someone who wanted every part of you. She wanted to stay here forever. 

Maybe she could live through it and push through the awkwardness one more time. She tilted her head back, resigning herself to it. So when hands touched down on her shoulders, hands that were Edger’s but weren’t, weren’t his _enough,_ she jumped. Instinctively she whirled around, finding Edger’s familiar face. Still subtly softened with baby fat. Still with that weird curl behind his ear that never flattened down. Still with that-

No, _not_ with that shine in his brown eyes. His eyes weren’t shining, and they weren’t brown, and they weren’t his. 

But when the only thing she could feel was the warmth and tenderness from his touch, so familiar and so longed for, was there any point in disagreeing? 

“ _Petra,_ ” he whispered. 

Warmth seared through her body as he gathered her against him, brushed his lips against her forehead. He ran his hands up her arms. Goosebumps broke out over her skin, and she shivered. His touch ghosted over her shoulders, climbing up her neck, reaching her face…Petra almost leaned into it...

He slapped her across the cheek. Petra jerked, falling backwards with surprise. There was a crash, a horrible splintering sound of glass cracking and wood smashing, but it didn’t matter because it was barely audible anyway under the intense wind and rain rushing in, enveloping her and pulling her out into the dull, shifting colours of the world. Grey, then white, then grey, and then it lightened ever so slightly, to a blue that she almost mistook for the sky beyond the walls,

and for a second there was nothing, nothing in the sky or _under her_ for that matter and she tipped sideways. 

“Fuck!” Hands grabbed her across her stomach, yanking her back. Stinging pain rippled up her body and she cried out. 

“Shit. Fuck, shit. Sorry. Sorry.” 

Slowly, slowly, she opened her eyes. The world swam into focus, and the rhythmic raindrops against the window transformed into a pounding between her eyes. She squinted up into the sunlight streaming in between the still leaves. There was no wind. No storm. No nothing. Just the singing of the birds, the click of the insects, and the sickening crack of the branches that broke under the abnormal’s feet. 

Her captain knelt over her. 

Petra gasped as the tree trembled under them, scrabbling for something to hold onto. Swearing again, Levi grabbed her, mindful of her injury, and held her close as he glared below. 

The abnormal seemed to smile up at them as it retreated back from the base of the tree. Petra watched, in rapt fascination, as it backed up as far as it could go before it charged on all fours, ramming the tree at top speed. The tree shook again. Leaves and loose branches rained down from above and the singing birds soared out of the disturbed canopy.

With its face mashed into the bark, it blankly gazed up again. Petra shivered just looking into those empty eyes, into the wide open mouth. 

“What is that thing?” Petra breathed, almost to herself. 

“Too smart for an abnormal.” Levi muttered. “Hanji would love to study it. Too fucking bad we’re not here to get her any more pets.” He set her down again, propping her back against the tree trunk. She winced at the slight movement, her hand going to her side. The cut went from beneath her navel, slicing up to the underside of her breast. She couldn’t gauge how deep it went but from the way stung like an absolute bitch, she could guess.

Griminacing, she traced her hand lightly over Levi’s makeshift bandaging. He’d torn through her shirt entirely; it hung in bloody shreds next to her feet, and he'd used the ends of his cloak. She watched the ragged ends of his sway slightly with every movement. There was a displeased tick in his cheek as he looked at the hemming. The captain hated anything unsymmetrical, anything uneven. Everything had to be matching, or on its own. 

Levi caught her gaze, lingering on his cloak. 

“Hard to get you off your cloak without rolling you over to a fifty metre drop,” Levi grumbled, sounding strangely embarrassed. He turned away from her. “And. I had to cut your shirt free. So. When your cloak is buttoned no one knows you’re not wearing a shirt. If it was ripped it wouldn’t be long enough to cover your torso.” 

Petra blinked. He’d really thought ahead for her privacy? 

Warmth filled her, distracting her from the pain for a moment. It was like someone had sat her down with a steaming cup of tea. She couldn’t help the small smile.

“Thank you, sir,” she said quietly. The captain nodded, his gaze trained below. 

They stared down at the titan. She knew Levi was evaluating it from every possible angle. There was a blueprint in his head, as if he could see the effect of every slash, every cut, every turn. His brow was creased in concentration. 

“Alright. This is what we’re going to do. Stay here. Keep its attention. I’m going to circle around behind the other trees. It won’t see me coming. Then I can kill it.” 

“Yes sir.” 

“We’ll meet with the others and get you to the medical cart. You’re out for the rest of the mission.” 

“Yes sir.” 

Levi nodded. Everything about him was brisk and purposeful. He was locked into full battle mode. 

“Give me your blades.” 

She handed them over without hesitation. They were her second pair, and currently the only pair left between them. The captain's own supply of blades was empty; he’d blunted the first pair during their first encounter with the titan, and the second were lying useless on the ground. If he missed this cut- 

No, Levi wouldn’t. 

“Take my gear as well.” She hadn’t forgotten about his own. The malfunctioning gear was still strapped around him. The captain stared at her as Petra was already fumbling with her clasps, sliding them down from her body. It cluttered to her feet. Somehow, in her pathetic scuffle with the titan, her ODM escaped unscathed. That was the only silver lining in this giant, thundering rain cloud. She wasn’t too sure how her gas canisters and wires got away with only slight denting from the tremendous pressure being put onto them, but she guessed it had something to do with the titans grip on her body and how high its fingers were-

She shook her head. She was no Hanji. Thinking about it too hard and too scientifically made her head hurt. Although that might’ve just been from oxygen loss. 

Levi glanced dubiously at her gear, but Petra would fight this. She knew that the man was stubbornly attached to his own pair. The commander practically had to order him to trade his gear for a newer model whenever they got a new shipment in. He didn’t let anyone touch it either. Everything was meticulously maintained by him alone. 

Eventually, he nodded. Levi’s mouth was set in a hard line, clearly displeased by it, but he unbuckled his own quickly. Petra handed him hers- thankfully they were close enough in height to have the same size straps- and she tightened them around his back without hesitation. As he shifted her gear, adjusting it so that it sat comfortably on his hips, she gathered up his own. Her fingers touched the cool metal before she remembered, recoiling from it as if it would bite her. She looked up to the captain for permission. 

Levi merely glanced at her and the gear before putting all his focus into the beast below. He looked at it as if it was just a child having a tantrum. A minor inconvenience. She’d seen him glare at dust bunnies with more venom. 

“Don’t fall off. Don’t die. I want my cloak to have gone to good use.” 

“Of course, sir.” 

Levi nodded, and casually walked off the branch. She heard him cut through the trees, as swift and deadly as a snake. Maybe the titan could hear it too. Its eyes seemed to be roaming around, losing focus on her. Petra scowled down at it. 

“Hey ugly! Up here!” Using the hook’s sharp tip, she peeled off a section of tree bark, hurling it down as hard as she could. It bounced uselessly off its head, but at least it was looking at her now. Gritting her teeth, Petra braced herself against the trunk as it rammed the tree again. Her wound burned, but she didn’t cry out.

From the corner of her eye, she saw a speeding flash of black and green. Levi rocketed down from nowhere, with all the smooth grace of a bird. The titan didn’t even see it coming. The blades flashed, glinting off the dappled sunlight, and sliced cleanly through its meaty neck. The steaming wedge of flesh flew before it rolled across the forest floor. All over before she could blink. 

The steam burned her eyes and obscured her vision as Levi soared back up to the branch, unruffled. She jerked in surprise as he touched her shoulder. “Let’s go.” 

Ah. Right. _This_ part. 

Carefully, he hooked an arm under her knees, the other across her back. He was gentle, but you could only be so gentle carrying someone as you dropped off a fifty metre ledge. Combine that with a bleeding stomach wound. She gripped him tightly as they flew down to the horses, wincing. She kept her gaze up towards the clouding sky, concentrating hard on a particular spot. She didn’t even need to close her eyes to imagine rain and thunder and safe arms around her. 

~

The medical cart was the most comfortable place to be outside the walls. Safe, too. Any titans near the cart were dispatched immediately, or the cart raced off in a different direction. She lay there, with someone’s folded cloak cushioning her head, safe and protected. The safest place on the battlefield. If she closed her eyes, she could almost imagine her mother swaddling her up in blankets as if she was a child again, or her father rocking her back and forth on his knee before the fire. A bump in the road, or the groan of a titan, or a smash on the ground would jolt her back into the reality of blood and ashes, but soon enough she would fall back into darkness. It was making her dizzy. 

The overwhelming stench of death constantly pervading her senses made it even more jarring. 

Petra hated being on the medical cart. She hated being out of the field. Adrenaline and energy still fizzled through her body, and if she had her gear she would’ve leapt off and stolen a spare horse. But she lay still, wincing at every pebble and rock the wheels rolled over, listening to the cries and screams of the soldier next to her as the medics had to hack off what was left of the left hand. 

Death lingered and crept into every corner of this damn cart, wrapping her up in claws and suffocating her until she couldn’t breathe. The most protected, safest spot in the whole convoy was escorted by the being who could take you into the ground at any time. And it wasn’t a titan. Petra could not fight against it. No one could. 

She reached out from under her cloak and grabbed the intact hand of the soldier, squeezing hard. The anguished screams stopped, a half second of silence, and when they started again the person squeezed back so hard Petra thought her fingers would shatter. Minutes became hours, hours became years and years became decades as her ears grew accustomed to the shrill sound. When the screams finally drifted off into pained whimpers, and then to silence, Petra lifted her heavy head and saw it had only been seconds. 

“Passed out,” one medic said. 

“Let’s hope she stays that way until we’re back.” The other muttered, and she watched his lips move in a silent prayer up towards the sky. Maria, Rose, Sina. 

Petra lay back down and closed her eyes as she heard them shift over to her, lifting her cloak to inspect the makeshift bandages. She tried to sink back into that dreamland of her mother and her father, tried anything to block out the medics talking about her as if she was already dead. 

It seemed like a century had passed until she heard the groan of the heavy gates lifting. More and more soldiers had been deposited onto the cart as the expedition waged on. The battle had been fought, and they had small victories. The big war was still a far-away vision in the distance. 

The sneers and jeers of waiting civilians greeted them as they rode back through the streets. Petra kept her eyes up to the late afternoon sky, counting the rhythmic stomps of the horses hooves in her head. Eventually, the wagon rolled to a gentle stop as the tall building of the compound peaked into view. 

The cart shifted as the others were lifted off. Petra kept to the back, waiting her turn, and when everyone else, bleeding and groaning and otherwise unconscious was off, she scooted to the edge. Her legs were dangling over when someone grabbed her gingerly around the waist and placed her onto the ground. Petra yelped in pain. 

“Oh _crap_.” 

“Auruo you fucking idiot, she’s injured!” 

“I thought the cut was on the other side!” 

“Can both of you be quiet for just one second?” Petra groaned. Gunther, quiet and thoughtful as ever, placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “You alright, Pet?” 

She managed a weak smile. “I’m alright. Just a little banged up.” 

“I’ll say.” Auruo puffed himself up in his awful impersonation of the captain. “If I was there nothing would’ve happened. I’d have taken out the titan with one swing of my blades.” 

“My legs are fine. I’ll still kick you in the balls if you don’t stop that.” Petra said flatly. She turned to Erd, meeting his steady eyes. “You guys get out okay?” 

“Yeah. Had a few close calls though,” Erd shrugged. “But we’re still here.” 

“These guys won’t admit it, but we really do need you.” Gunther whispered. Grinning, Petra folded her arms around him. Erd joined in, and after a lot of grumbling and bickering Auruo slotted himself into the hug. Petra caught the grateful, relieved tick at the corner of his mouth, often confused for the premature lines of his face. They didn’t squeeze her tightly enough so Petra took initiative, looping her arms around Gunther and Erd’s necks. 

“The fuck you think you’re doing? You think you can slack off now we’re back behind the walls?” The captain snapped. He was fine. Disheveled and grumpy with ill-fitting gear, but he was alive. Petra couldn’t help the relief. 

The others guiltily lowered her to the floor, striking a clumsy salute. 

“Brats.” Levi grumbled. “Gunther, get the horses fed and watered. Erd, Auruo, oil the gear. Petra,” he turned his steely gaze to her, “Medical.” 

“Sir!” 

He stalked away, joining Commander Erwin’s group. It was as if the second he linked up with them a storm cloud appeared over everyone’s head. 

Erd shrugged the second Levi’s back was turned. “You really can’t please the guy.” 

“The captain just expects nothing but the best!” Auruo squawked. “Which only _I_ give.” 

“You know, even the _captain_ was complaining about how we needed you to the Commander.” Gunther chimed in. 

“Yeah Pet, what did you do?” Auruo bounced on the balls of his feet excitedly. All his idiotic bravado had disappeared. “The captain just said you saved his life, but he sounded so _impressed.”_

“Really?” 

“The captain never says if someone saved his life, you know.” Erd said, hoisting Gunther’s gear under his arms. “I’ve been on his squad for ages and that’s the first I heard him say anything like it.” 

With a final smile, they split off. Her cut immediately protested her goodbye wave, sending thousands of bee stings-like pain up her torso. It took everything in her not to yelp from the burning sensation. 

Keeping a hand pressed to her side, she made her way inside. She dropped by her room first, grabbing a spare blouse and tucking it into the waistband of her pants, before she made her way to the medical wing. It was bustling with people; the injured far outweighed the medics. If Petra wasn’t injured herself, she would’ve stepped in to help. She took medical training during her time as a recruit. 

Wincing, she joined the end of the line, leaning heavily against the wall. She caught a glimpse into the overflowing infirmary. The medics had masks clasped over their faces, eyes tight with concentration. Their hands worked fast, bandaging and tending and administering medicine, but not fast enough. Soldiers were hauling bodies out the rear door, their gloved hands stained with crimson. 

The line moved slowly. Petra lost track of time. The only thing that was clear to her was her wound and the constant pounding in her head. But still, she would live. Others in this building did not have the privilege to say the same. 

A teenage boy limped out. He was the boy from earlier, the one Petra helped on the battlefield. His side was stitched and bandaged, as well as a new chunky cast around his ankle. He leaned heavily on an uninjured soldier, whose face lit up when he caught sight of her. 

“Petra!” 

“Finn,” Petra smiled. Although his open, cheerful face was lined with weariness, he still managed a grin. Mud still splattered his boots and there were still leaves caught in his hair. “You made it out in one piece.” 

“What about you? Are you okay? What happened?” 

“Just nicked myself on a blade,” she said weakly. “It happens.” 

Finn nodded, but she didn’t think he actually knew what she was talking about. Petra nodded at the other boy. “How’s your side?” 

“Good.” He was quiet. A little twitchy. “They said I’ll heal fast.” 

“Because Will was smart,” Finn said proudly. “He adjusted himself mid-air before he hit the roof. If he didn’t he would’ve died.” 

“Because I got _lucky_.” Will corrected tiredly. He yawned. “The doctor told me that my meds would kick in soon.” 

“We’ll get you to bed then.” Finn leaned his head on Will’s shoulder for a moment. Will sighed with contentedness. 

“I’ll see you guys.” Petra said gently. 

“Yep! I really hope your cut heals fast. You’ll be back to beating me at sparring in no time!” 

Even though it aggravated her wound, Petra laughed. Will murmured a goodbye, and she watched them disappear around the corner. 

The line had dwindled down. There were only two people still waiting outside the door. The first girl was ushered inside and Petra stepped forward, eager to get in. She just had to get this damn cut stitched up...

“Oi, Petra.”

She jumped. Then she regretted it because she almost fell to the ground. Shakily, she turned around. “Hello sir.” 

“Why are you still out here?” 

“There were a lot of injuries today, sir. I can wait for a bit longer.” 

Just her luck. As she said that, her vision swam and she placed a hand on the wall to steady herself. 

The captain muttered something under his breath that sounded awfully similar to _you’re a fucking dumbass._ He turned on his heel and walked away from her. Petra stared after him, baffled. When she didn’t follow, he looked back at her. “What are you waiting for? Come on.” 

“Sir, where are we going?” 

“I’ll stitch you up myself.” 

“But they’re almost done in the infirmary.” 

“They’ve been busy. They don’t sterilize the needles when they’ve been busy.” 

He took off down the hallway. Petra struggled to keep up with his brisk walk. She kept an appropriate distance from her superior as he led her to his office. Petra hadn’t been in there since she’d broken it off between them. Well. There was nothing between them to begin with. 

Everything seemed to happen in this damn room. 

“Up.” He rummaged through his drawers as Petra perched on the edge of his desk. This whole situation was repeating itself, except they’d switched roles. There was still that same tension in the air, strange and unknown and so goddamn _awkward._

He slipped the thread through the eye of the needle, dousing the point with rubbing alcohol. She shrugged off her cloak, shivering as the cool breeze in the room nipped at her bare skin. He stood between her legs, needle and alcohol and tissues at the ready, and peeled back the fraying green fabric wrapped tight around her stomach, leaving her only in her bra. 

Petra hissed. The red was hardly visible on the green, but it was heavy. Levi tossed the soiled strips away into the rubbish and dabbed at the cut. She could feel the warmth of his hands hovering over her bare skin. He brushed away a leaf that must've fallen down her top. 

A shock went through her body, responding to him, remembering _it_. She jerked. Levi looked at her in concern, but didn't say anything. Good. 

She couldn't talk to him or look in the eyes right now, feeling those same hands on her in her stupid dream. Those same eyes. Oh god. Those same hands and eyes and lips that touched her or _kissed her on the forehead._

The needle pierced through her skin, thankfully distracting her from those thoughts for a moment, replacing it with pain. This was good. This was perfect. It brought her back to her senses. She didn't have to wonder anymore. She wasn't going to. 

_Fucking-_

Her fingers clenched, her jaw rock solid. She wanted to groan. She wanted to scream. But she just gritted her teeth and let him work, swallowing down her pathetic impulses. She’d get through this. 

The room transformed into her childhood backyard. Her friend from over the fence had dared her to a race down the riverbank. Petra had slipped and fallen, scraping both her knees and banging her head on the ground. Papa had treated her with that awful antiseptic stuff that stung, holding her hand and promising her a cookie from Mama's special tin if she didn’t cry. She was a big girl. 

So she didn’t cry. And she’d scoffed down the cookie in her bed, brushing the crumbs down the crack between the bedframe and the wall so she didn’t get found out. Change the circumstances, and she still got a reward. If she didn’t look weak in front of her captain, then she could collapse into her bed and sleep away the day. You learned to appreciate the simple things when you didn’t know your death date was tomorrow or a year from now. 

It was the only thing she could focus on, closer and closer as each new stitch was put in...

“I wanted to talk to you about that stunt you pulled today,” Levi said calmly. 

Her daydream faded. She focused in on him, on the pricks of irritation travelling through her body, the _puck puck puck_ of the needle now loud in her ears. 

He did not meet her eyes. They were trained on the stitching. 

“Sir-” 

“It was impulsive, idiotic and everything I trained you _not_ to do.” Was she imagining it when his fingers dug a little harder into her tender skin? “Gear malfunctions happen all the time. We’re trained to deal with them.” 

“They don’t happen to you, sir.” 

“Yeah, well, weirder things have happened. That’s why we’re classed as the goddamn Special Operations squad,” he finally looked up at her. Irritation, disappointment, anger, impatience....they were all there in his eyes, even if his stone face did not budge. 

But those eyes would not even be here right now if it wasn’t for _her._

“I saved your life, sir.” 

“That doesn’t change that it was still a bad fucking decision beceause you weren’t using your head and I’ll report it that way.” 

Petra had not found it in herself to feel anything for the past few hours except for the constant throbbing in her body. All the energy had been sapped out of her, seeping into his cloak and tossed into the trash. 

That little seed of emotion had been dormant for the entire day. She did not have time to be anything other than a soldier. But now...

The way he said it. As if she was a rookie who tripped over her wires. As if she did not matter at all. As if she didn’t save the life of the strongest soldier. 

“So,” she said evenly, “You’ll write it down as an impulsive, idiotic, bad _fucking_ decision then.” 

The prick of the needle paused. She didn’t know. She couldn’t feel it anymore. Levi lifted his head, met her gaze. His eyes flashed. 

“Problem?” 

_No_ was the right answer. No answer was the right answer for a subordinate needing disciplinary action. 

“That’s _bullshit_.” 

Silence. Even their breathing was inaudible. 

She took that as her cue. 

“Your life is more important than mine, and _I know that._ Your death would affect the Corps more than mine would and everyone knows that. _You_ know that. I made an impulsive decision because there was nothing else left to decide!” 

Her heart should’ve been hammering in her chest, but it wasn’t. Her mind should’ve been racing, but it wasn’t. Her mouth should’ve been ready to vomit out a thousand apologies, but it wasn’t. 

He was lying. Honestly, Petra couldn’t tell anymore where they started or where they ended. And she _wouldn’t_ have been able to tell; he was a master. Nothing gave him away. Anything he wanted to give came from a deep, locked vault. So if he wanted to tell the Commander that he was impressed with what she did? Then that was the truth. It was far easier to lie with fewer words. 

Levi was as still as stone. 

“I could have you run laps around the barracks for weeks because of that, Ral.” His words were slow. Deliberate. He would, as well. Probably for months, even when winter set in and her feet would be aching with frostbite, where she’d crawl to bed in agony and he’d make her do it all again tomorrow.

She scoffed.

“Do it. Go on. When people ask what I did, tell them that I’m being punished for doing something good. _That’s_ what you trained me to do.” 

Another stitch. He was nearing the end of her wound. He was so, so neutral. 

She pressed her lips together, seething. Fine. No response. That was fine. 

The tension in the air was suffocating as he silently worked his way up her stomach. There was really nowhere else to look but him, so she kept her gaze pointedly above his head. 

What was he doing? What did he want from her? He _was_ impressed with what she did today; if she knew anything certain about her captain, it was that he would never, ever lie to the commander. She was not expecting a promotion or praise or presents. She’d long accepted that he was an unpredictable, unfeeling man. If he was pleased, she would probably never know it. That was acceptable. But she knew that she did not deserve to be berated for saving his goddamn life. And he knew it too. 

He was playing a game with her, and she was set up to lose. 

Fuck that. 

He snipped off the end of the thread. She traced her finger delicately over his handiwork. Neat and even. Clean. 

“Don’t get them wet.” He wrapped a clean bandage around the length of her torso. After that was finished, she gingerly pulled on the spare blouse that was still tucked in her waistband, doing the buttons up slowly, inwardly wincing. “Don’t stretch, or move too fast, or do any stupid shit. You’ll be off training until I say so.” 

You could’ve put his tone in any situation outside of this room and it would’ve fit. Her words had no impact on him whatsoever. As a soldier or a person. 

“Alright. We’re done. Out.” With his back to her, he busied himself with the medical supplies, slotting them all into the draw. 

“Sir.” 

He didn’t turn around. His hands didn’t stop moving. She heard him sigh. Somehow that conveyed experastion, impatience and all-around annoyance. 

“What could’ve made today better?” 

“Nothing. Go.” 

“You know as well as I do that you’d be dead right now if I did _nothing,_ sir.” 

“Ral.” 

“Your death is a far bigger loss for humanity than mine and you know it.” 

“ _Ral._ Last time. Get. Out.” 

It wasn’t an order, but a warning. The type of warning that she’d be an absolute idiot to ignore. 

But fuck, he was acting as if her saving his life was an _inconvenience..._

“I’m still here and so are you! We’re _alive._ What else did you want me to do? _”_

He spun around. His glacier eyes were alight with red-hot fury. His fists clenched by his sides as he rounded in on her. 

“I don’t want you to _waste your death on me._ ” He snarled. “ _That’s_ what I want you to do.” 

It felt like someone had knocked all the breath out of her. Her mind was blank. Anything she’d been anticipating and readying herself for...it was not this. 

He seemed as stunned as she was. She’d never seen him look so uncertain. It shook her to her very core. 

“I wouldn’t be wasting my death on you sir,” she said quietly, her throat dry. “It would be an honor to die for you.” 

He laughed. It was a harsh, rattling sound she’d never heard before, grating against her ears and causing goosebumps to ripple up her arms. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, brat.” 

“I said I’d devote myself to you. I’m not going back on it now.” 

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew me.” 

“I do know you.” 

Everything she was saying seemed to be a joke to him. Now he exhaled through his nose, so simple yet so bloody insulting. “Yeah. What do you know?”

“You’re constantly improving the way you fight. You throw yourself into battle without hesitation. You take on more than you should to give us a better chance at survival. You would sacrifice anything to win this war for us. You want to see each of us at our best. You mourn any soldier, and you fight _for_ every soldier. You’re worth this entire regiment. So yes. I would die for you, sir.” 

That taunting smirk finally disappeared. She watched as a range of emotions warred across his face. They were faint, but they were there. She’d seen them. It was the smallest bit of ground she could win. All too soon, his expression morphed back into his impressive mask. He scowled. 

“You only know me as a soldier. You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew what I've done. Who I am.” 

“You’re kind. You’re strong. You’re loyal. You hate it when people die for no reason. You’re brave. You hate lying- you don’t see the point in lying to people to make them feel good-” 

“What about good? Approachable? Considerate? Any other fucking lies you want to put in there? Would you still die for me? For _this_?” 

She studied him, his familiar silhouette in the dying afternoon light, the sharp angles of his jaw, the cold, calculating eyes. Yes, she would gladly die for Humanity’s Strongest soldier. He was worth ten, twenty, fifty of her. He advanced humanity far more than she ever would, and it was her duty to die for him.

His rank disappeared. So did his uniform, and his title. Suddenly he was just a man. A short, foul-mouthed, bad tempered man who could have afforded to smile more often. A man who snarled and snapped and claimed that he felt nothing for her, but held her more gently than anyone else she’d ever met. 

Yes, she would die for him too. 

The forest flashed before her eyes. Her lying statue still up in that tree. That dream into her memory of Edger, the person who was and wasn’t him but touched her with all the gentleness and love of someone who loved her. She recalled Levi’s hands on her skin while he tended her wound. The broken way he whispered her name when he thought she couldn’t hear. 

And she thought, for a few precious, farfetched, insane moments, that he would do the same for her. 

“Yes. I’d still die for you.” 

The impressive facade cracked again. For a split second, his eyes widened and his hand jerked from where he was tidying up the draw. He stared at her in shock. Almost...wonder. 

The mask slipped back into place. 

“You’re a damn good liar.” 

Petra closed her eyes. She thought through her words, carefully evaluating every single thing she could say to get her out of the hole she dug. To save her from a world of embarrassment and ridicule from her commanding officer, protect everything that she’d tried so hard to keep hidden from him. 

She sealed her own fate. 

“I’m not lying.” 

He had no response for that. He did not look at her, kept his gaze trained to the ever-changing colours of the sky. Petra didn’t know how much time had passed. The world outside of this room, outside of him and her, didn’t seem to exist anymore. It was that foggy wasteland from her dream out there. 

“Petra,” he said finally, and his voice was calm. Collected. Neutral. Her heart jumped to her throat. “I don’t know how you feel about me, but you should stop feeling it and leave right now.” 

“Levi-” 

“Sir.” When he looked at her, there was nothing. He was drilling her in training. He was sipping his tea at the table. Nothing. Nothing for her. “You’re gonna say something you’ll regret. I’m your commanding officer.”

“But we had-” 

She clamped her mouth shut. Red hot embarrassment burned through her skin. Maybe...just maybe, Levi hadn’t noticed her slip up. She prayed he hadn’t. 

Her stomach lurched as she watched the way his tense shoulders dropped slightly. He had and he was laughing at her. Figuring out how to get this idiot girl out of his sight. How to let her down. 

No, they hadn’t had anything. They had an agreement that extended to the mutual attraction of each other. _Only_ to the mutual attraction of each other. They had nothing. 

“Listen,” his voice was dead and unfeeling. It crawled down her throat, leached into her blood, and made her shiver. “There was only that. I meant it. I thought you did too. We decided on it. If you thought otherwise…” 

Of course. If she thought otherwise, she was in the wrong. She got it all wrong. 

He was right. The captain always was. _They_ had that agreement. _They_ had loveless fucks in the middle of the night, stifled under paper-thin sheets and hidden behind doors that didn’t lock. _They_ shared nothing more than attraction, fueled by pure lust. 

Except Petra had a handful of other things. _She_ had the tight way he held her that one rainy night, as if he couldn’t bear to let her go. She had his unwavering belief that yes, she could stitch him adequately enough. She had his trust. She had his loyalty. She had his fear for her. She had his touch on her skin, so tender and gentle that it reminded her of her previous lover. She had the him that was so...unlike him, even for a brief moment. 

Whatever he had of her was unknown. There was no point lying about it; she knew he had something of her. A man like Levi had to have something of her. All that, everything they’d been through, _had_ to leave something of her. 

She was determined to find out what it was. Even if it was awful, she had to know. 

“I know. I agreed with that." She smoothed her hair. She was in control of her words. "I meant what happened today. In that tree.” 

“Yeah. The idiotic stunt you pulled.” 

“Yes, that. And the touching.” 

“Fuck’re you talking about?” he grunted. 

“Up in the tree. When I was unconscious. You were holding me like...like…” 

_I was important. I meant something to you._

“Like I’d die if you let go.” She finished pathetically. 

“Because you would’ve, dumbass. We were hundreds of metres up in the fucking air. I had to _touch_ you to bind your injuries. You’re not special. I have to touch Erd or Auruo or Gunther to bind theirs.” 

That made sense. 

“Right. I suppose you’d kiss them all, too.” Petra said evenly. 

Levi stiffened, as if she’d pulled a gun on him. He was a man of stone, but to see him so, _so_ still, like he was about to pounce, was unsettling. 

Secretly, she reveled in the tense silence. Catching him off guard was like landing a punch on...well, him. 

“You had just sustained an injury and you were bleeding out.” He said finally. “Probably a concussion or a bump or some shit. I don’t know what you think you saw, but you’re wrong. I didn’t kiss you.” 

Truth? Petra actually wasn’t sure about that kiss. Her pain-addled mind could’ve ran away on her, fabricated and twisted her old memories. But the way he reacted, as if it struck something with him, filled in the gaps for everything she might’ve been unsure about. He’d have whirled around, raised a thin eyebrow at her, and immediately ask her what the fuck she was talking about if it nothing happened up in that tree. Or if something did happen that held no meaning to him. He’d always told them to trust their instincts. 

“You _did._ I felt you. I remember.” 

“You also remember the part where I called you a stupid suicidal brat?” 

She shrugged. “You’ve called me worse.” 

He was blocking her. Trying to get under her skin and piss her off, make her rethink what she thought she knew. Petra didn’t _think_ she knew. She knew, damn well and clear, that he had held her to him and kissed her forehead as if he loved her. 

Clearly, he was aware of what she felt for him. She just couldn’t understand why he was holding back. 

_Or maybe,_ that tiny, ugly, insecure monster whispered in her mind, _you’ve got it all wrong and now you’re just embarrassing yourself._

_Go away._

What did she know about the captain? He was firm. He was straightforward and direct. He didn’t appreciate beating around the bush and fluffing your away around a topic. 

“Sir,” Petra steeled herself, kept her words clear. “Do you care for me?” 

His phantom touch still lingered on her skin, saying all the words that he would never say. _I care about you. I trust you. I love you._

“No.” 

She took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eye. 

“I thought you hated liars.” 

Something in Levi sparked. Fire ignited in those ice-cold eyes. With her still seated atop his desk and him still standing, she vividly recalled their argument days ago in the kitchen. She’d shocked him, watched in amazement as he smoothed over his uncertainty with frightening speed. He’d lost his composure. He’d gotten mad at her. Now she knew it, and prepared. 

Instead that burning fire dissipated. The spark died. He slumped back into himself. Suddenly he did not look like her fierce captain, Humanity’s Strongest and toughest titan-slayer. He looked like a man. 

A normal man, defeated. 

“I fucking hate them.” The sheer quietness of his voice startled her. He looked past her, into a corner of the room as he continued. “I lie all the time and I fucking hate it because the truth gets more people killed. It makes you weak. It makes you sloppy. It makes you so easy to be taken advantage of.” 

His stone gaze caught her again, trapped her in place. That fire was suddenly back, hateful and searing as it burned right through her. “Is that what you want? You want to die? You want the world to know how soft you are? This is how to do it.” 

It felt like someone had punched her. Stunned, Petra could only stare at him. Never before had she heard him sound so…lifeless. Anything she’d been preparing to say stuck in her throat like glass. 

Levi blew displeased air out through his nose. The only indication that he was rattled. 

The atmosphere settled. They’d come to a stalemate. Petra had been armed to argue. Levi had been...anything. Impossible to read, as always. But they’d both lowered their weapons, and neither of them knew what to do with themselves. 

“What do you want from me, Petra?” Levi asked quietly. 

It was easy, so easy to answer in her head. 

She’d answered that before, when she told him she wanted to break off their arrangement. It was so, so easy to answer in the safety of her mind, when she was plagued with uncertainty. Rejection didn’t exist there. 

Honesty. That was what she’d been wanting from him this entire time. It was only fair she returned the favour. 

_I want you. I want all of you._

So she told him that. 

At her words, it was as if a bullet went through his body, came clean out the other side. His jaw clenched, his teeth gritted. The veins in his hands were stark against his pale skin as his fists tightened. Her confession gave him pain.

For him, honesty was a weakness. And she wanted it desperately. Seeing Levi be weak was unimaginable. 

If she wanted it, she had to do the same for him first. 

Levi stared at the ground like that particular spot near his desk had killed his family. The inside of his mind had to be going haywire. Petra sat there, still atop his desk, trying to appear as casual and relaxed as possible. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to hear the pounding of her heart that way. 

He finally looked up at her. His black hair hung over his eyes, partially covering them. Still she could see the cold fire blazing. It was impossible to miss, even by a stranger.

A spark of excitement leapt inside her. 

“You don’t want me,” he hissed. “You don’t know what you want.” 

“I do.” 

Levi took a step towards her. “I’m going to hurt you. You want a monster?” 

“You’re not a monster.” 

“Yeah, you’d think that. Surface girl would think so.” 

The mocking hint to his voice burned her, sent the blood rushing to her face. Her fist clenched behind her back, hidden from his sight. 

“Tell me the truth then. Tell it to my face. If I’m just another silly little girl, _tell me._ I’d go running out the door, huh? Surface girl like me.” 

He didn’t say anything, which she’d half-expected. It was fine if he didn’t want to tell her; those were his secrets to keep. The emotion was still present in his body. Good. 

“You know what this surface girl thinks of you?” Petra leaned forward. “ _I_ think of you as the kindest man, far more than you let on. You care about each and every one of our lives. The first time I realised it, I was shocked. I’d thought that you’d send any one of us to our deaths without hesitation and just move on. But you grieve for them. For _us,”_ she paused, catching her breath. Levi simply stared at her, unmoving, so she continued. “On the 42nd expedition, when the Commander wanted to use the newest recruits as bait. And you refused him to save the lives of a couple dozen children. The deaths of those children could have advanced us forward, but you couldn’t do it. You couldn’t just let them die.” Her voice wavered as tears sprang to her eyes. “When I watch you hold the hands of a dying soldier, you give them one last reason and tell them that they died for something. I always, _always_ hope that you’ll do the same for me. You give me a reason to fight. You inspire and drive me to be the best soldier I can be.” She wiped her blurry eyes with the back of her hand. “I don’t know what you did, or what happened before you joined the military. But a monster wouldn’t do any of those things now. You’re a good man, through and through.” Petra slipped off the desk, nearing him. Gently, she grabbed his hand, lacing her fingers through his. “I’m in love with an amazingly good man. I’m in love with you.” 

He stared down at their joined hands. He blinked, looked again. Although Petra’s entire body was buzzing with nerves, it felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. There. He could accept it, or reject it. Reject her. She’d torn herself open tonight and he was still standing there in his armor. 

Levi stared at her. His eyes were wide with shock. Levi was always a man of few words, but now he was a man of none. This long silence was threatening to eat Petra alive. 

“So,” Petra whispered, forcing the tremor out of her voice. He was so close now that his breath moved her hair. “Would you return the favour? What do you think of me?” 

“What do I think of you?” Levi sounded almost undone as his hand came to her face, tilting her chin up. He leaned his face closer to hers, and neither breathed. “You. You’re- you’re beautiful,” he whispered hoarsely. Petra tried not to let him see how much it thrilled her. “You’re an angel. You’re gorgeous. You’re fucking _stunning._ And I,” his hand on her chin reached down and gripped the front of her shirt, yanking her closer until there was not an inch of space between them. His lips traced her ear. 

“And I _fucking hate you_.” 

He kissed her with such bruising force that the breath was completely knocked out of her. He pushed her back until she hit the desk again, forcing her up on it as he stood between her legs. Dazed, she couldn’t do anything except return his brutal passion. Her head swam and her hands shook, losing herself in the unexpected violence of his mouth. 

Levi’s ferocity was absolutely unmatched, nothing she’d ever seen before, except… except on the battlefield. His arms came around her body and he crushed her tight against him. Petra broke away for a second, gasping for much-needed breath, but he wouldn’t let her. Grabbing her chin harshly, his nails digging into her skin, he pulled her back to him and he was even rougher this time, taking and taking everything she could give and as he pressed her even harder to him, he took everything she had. Petra raised her shaking hands, twining them around his neck and back, but he grabbed them and pinned them to the desk on either side of her body. He squeezed hard, and her bones felt like they might shatter. Petra cried out against his mouth, but she took it. She took it all. She knew his game now. She would play, and she would win. 

He was the first to pull away. The controlled slight rise and fall of his chest was the only indication that he was starved for breath. Petra leaned back on her hands, and looked at him coolly. The dull pain throbbing through her body was barely noticeable under the high euphoria she was riding. The blood sang in her veins, and every inch of her body was alive and tingling with pleasure. But still, she sat back and watched him like he had disappointed her. 

“Is that it?” 

Levi did not start, but he glared a little harder than usual, and there was the faintest trace of astonishment in his eyes. Good. “What?” 

“Where’s this _hurt_ you keep talking about?” Petra kept her voice light and airy. No one would know about the rapid pounding of her heart. 

He stared at her, utterly still. Petra sighed, as casually as she could manage. She looked up at him coyly though her bangs. She hoped it conveyed, _c_ _hange my mind. Impress me. I don’t think you can._

He growled as he reached for her again. He yanked her hair, holding her head in place. His lips were hard on her neck, and he kissed and nipped down the line of her throat. Nothing gentle. Nothing gentle at all. Petra relished every moment. 

At the base of her neck he bit down _hard._ Petra moaned into her hand as he ripped through the top of her shirt. Buttons rained down onto the stone floor, but she hardly heard it, stifled under her heavy breathing. Levi kissed her collarbones, bit and sucked at her body so roughly she thought he would break the skin. 

Petra had never felt more alive _._ That flickering second of pain kept her oh so responsive to everything he did. Everything had intensified in passion and pleasure. Every touch of his skin against hers ignited her. She wanted to feel his searing touch on her body when she woke in the morning and when she went to bed at night. Oh, she wanted him. She wanted him so much. 

The cold rushed in when he pulled away once more. She watched him gather himself with startling efficiency. One second, he was undone, so completely undone by her and her lips and her skin and her body, and in the next he was her captain. Before he could snap orders and command her out of his room, Petra stole the chance. Resting her face in her hand, she watched him like she was evaluating him through half-lidded eyes. 

“I’m waiting.” 

“Petra. Listen to me,” he growled. The punishing grip on her wrists did not let up. “ _You don’t know me._ You don’t know what I’ve done. I’m not a good man. Before all this, before Erwin found me. The military police wanted to hang me for what I’ve done. I’m telling you _now._ Stop it. Leave. Leave me. I’m going to hurt you.” 

“You’re not going to hurt me,” she whispered, wriggling her hands free. She grabbed his hands, placed them upon the stitches.“I’m strong. I trust you. I trust you.” 

“ _I’ll hurt you._ I know I will.” 

“Fine. Show me. Prove it.” She grabbed his wrist, held his hand up to her face. “Go on then. Hit me. Hurt me.” 

His fingers curled against her cheek. They were cold. “ _Petra_ -” 

Gripping her chin, he silenced her with another punishing kiss. It was rough and unforgiving, with all the intensity as before. He pressed himself into her harder and harder, almost trying to crush her with his body. Was he trying to prove it to her that he would? That he could? 

It didn’t work. Somewhere beneath it all, she could sense him falter slightly. With what, she didn’t know. Petra lost herself in it for a few precious moments, savouring him. Steeling herself, she pushed him away. She touched her lips, feeling no pain or discomfort. Again, she lifted his wrist and placed his hand at her cheek. He watched wearily, and as Petra jerked his hand back and batted it lightly against her face, he made a strangled sound and ripped his hand away immediately. 

All her pretenses dropped away. 

“See? You can’t do it. You can’t hurt me,” she whispered. “You’re a good man.” 

“So I’m a good man because I won’t _hit_ you, Petra?” He stepped away from her. The distance between them wasn’t much at all, but Petra’s stomach dropped as that wall she had started to cross began to emerge, ten times larger and thicker. “I’m a good man because I won’t hit you or punch you. You’re a child. If that’s what you think makes a good man, you’re a child.” 

“I know that doing the bare minimum doesn’t make you a good man,” she scoffed. “You’re right. You’re not a good man because you won’t hit me. I’m not going to congratulate you for not beating me. That’s not the reason why you’re a good person. I’ve told you why you are. Why can’t you accept it? Why can’t you let yourself be happy?” 

“Because,” Levi growled. There was an edge to his voice. “Every time that happens someone dies. It kills people. _I_ kill people.” Finally he raised his head, his glare burning through her. “So I hate you. I don’t care for you.” 

“And that’s another lie.” 

No response. His nostrils flared, his jaw solid. She caught the imperceptible nod of his head. 

So here it was. Out in the open, her loving him, him loving her. Why were they distant from each other right now? She should’ve been ecstatic. Her far-away fantasies were actually true. He loved her. _He loved her._

And still. Still. Still he looked at her like she was a nuisance, or a smear on the floor. He said it like it was an inconvenience. He resigned himself to it. 

Petra spilled her entire heart already. She couldn’t force him to accept the contents. Levi would never bow to anyone. 

She gave a great, shuddering breath, feeling the weight of his gaze on her. Her entire body felt unbelievably heavy. The ugly, familiar feeling of dread washed over her. She felt her face, boiling with shame. She already knew what he was going to say. She’d expected it from the moment he asked her for nothing more than her body. Her time in this room was up. 

“Alright,” she said weakly. 

“Alright?” 

“I’ll go now. I’m sorry for disturbing you, sir. Thank you for stitching my wound.” She slipped off the desk, clutching her ruined blouse closed. Numbly, she busied herself with tidying the surface, keeping her back to him. In that tiny, brief moment, she caved, indulged herself. Then she turned around, composed as ever. As if nothing had happened. After she left, she’d sleep it all off and face him in the morning and everything would be normal. 

Petra gasped as he grabbed her arm, gripping her tightly. His nails dug into her skin. “Look-” 

“Stop.” She held up her other hand, willing her fingers to stop trembling. “I know what you’re going to say.”

“No you don’t. Fuck, just _listen_.” From his tone and expression, you’d have thought he was extracting glass from his foot. He didn’t let go of her. “I- fuck. If things were different then…” 

“Then what?” 

“Then. Then. It’ll be different.” Levi finished poorly. 

Petra looked at him. He glared at the floor. Always glaring. Feelings did that to him. “Petra, we’re soldiers.” 

“I’m a human. I’m a person. And I’m in love with you.” Petra frowned. “And I know you’re all of those things as well.” 

She wretched her arm away. Levi seemed stunned, but he didn’t refute it. 

“We’re going to die. It’s our job to die for humanity. Fucking awful world, but we can’t do shit about it. There’s no point doing _this_ when one of us is going to die. It’ll be you. You’ll die because of me.” 

“That’s not true.” 

“Is it?” He moved back around to his desk, tidying everything up- again. If she wasn’t so frustrated, she might’ve laughed. “You almost got killed today saving my ass.” 

“Any other soldier would’ve done the same. You’re-” 

“Yeah yeah, Humanity’s Strongest.” He winced a little. He never liked that moniker. “The only problem is that I would do the same for you.” 

Petra blinked. Levi watched her, absorbing her bewilderment. His face was dark. “I can’t think that. I can’t die, Petra. The only acceptable way for me to go for these shitheads would be after I saved everyone behind the walls. The commander needs me to fight to his dream. Imagine we do whatever this is. You’ll die. You’ll die knowing that I couldn’t give you anything, or that I couldn’t save you. What a shit way to go, right? I could’ve saved you and I didn’t because I couldn’t. I love you enough as it is,” he slammed the drawer shut. The whole desk rattled. “Then we do this. Then I can kiss you freely and drink tea with you and talk to you normally. Then you die and it all would’ve been for nothing. It would just hurt a lot fucking more.” The desk was spotless but he kept scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing at her invisible blood. He’d wear a hole through the wood at this rate. 

Petra stared, hardly comprehending what he was saying except for one thing. 

“You’re talking about me as if I’m dead.” 

Levi stopped scrubbing. “Huh?” 

“You keep talking about me as if I’m already dead,” Petra said simply. “Everything I’ll give you after I die. Well, I’m not. So start talking about me as if I’m alive. What do I give you if I’m alive? What purpose do I serve? When I die, will someone come up and take my spot just like that?” 

“Fuck no.” 

At least that was clear. She stepped closer to him, crossing her arms across her chest. 

“What do I give you if I’m alive?” 

He didn't even waver this time. 

“Everything. _Every fucking thing._ You’re good company. I love your tea and coffee. Your hair is beautiful. Fuck, you make the sun look dull or something. You’re always smiling; you’re always so damn cheerful in this shithole. When I look at you, you make me feel like there’s hope left in the world. I love everything about you,” his eyes were dead as he looked upon her face. “And you’re gonna die.” 

“Yes. I can. I will. And so will you. It can be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year, but I’m going to die and I want to die knowing that I loved you as much as I could.” There were tears brimming in her eyes now, and she watched through a blurry haze as his stony expression slowly dissolved. Gently, she reached for his hand again. He could retract it if he wanted. 

“I know what you mean. But isn’t it worth it to seize every moment we have before we die? So that when I do, I know what I’m the happiest I ever will be. That’s with you. I thought I was fine putting you behind me because I thought there was no hope for us. I thought it would never happen. Hearing you say all that, feeling how you touch me; I never realised exactly how happy it would make me. If I died tomorrow, I’d be fine with it.” The tears were flowing freely now as she looked upon his slackened expression. But she’d never felt lighter.

“I can’t fight against death. It doesn’t matter if it's to a titan or to sickness. It doesn’t matter if it’s beyond the walls or in my bed. I’m going to die one day. I don’t want to have regrets. _You_ always say we should have no regrets.” She tightened her grip around his fingers. “Please. Please don’t become one of mine.” 

Levi let out a deep breath. He looked at their joined hands for a long, long time. The feelings behind his eyes were so hidden. The fear of it paralysed her. Even the titan today hadn’t scared her this much. The blood thudded in her temples. Her heart pounded in her chest. 

“You’re real persuasive,” he finally murmured. 

Petra laughed and cried at the same time. It was probably ugly. The noise she let out definitely was. Levi hesitantly cupped her face, wiping away her tears. If she looked closely she could see the barest hint of a smile on his face, something she never saw. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him in close, elated to feel his arms wound around her. Last time she’d hugged him, it had been a goodbye to unrequited feelings she’d thought she was ready to let go. Now it was the best welcome, the start of something she never wanted to fade. 

He kissed her cheek, murmured into her hair. “Petra, I don’t-” 

“I know. It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. This is perfect.”

She wasn’t blind to his hesitancy when he touched her. She’d been imaging a perfect, rosy relationship, filled with the gentle tenderness she’d seen in Finn and Will. Except that would take a while. And that was fine. It was amazing. The cold, detached person she’d been sleeping with the past month didn’t exist at all. And she loved it. She loved the real him. 

Even though she wanted to stay in his arms for hours, they eventually pulled apart. 

“Can I stay with you tonight?” she whispered. “Not for sex. I want to sleep next to you.” 

A flash of alarm in his eyes. Petra backtracked quick. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. “If-” 

“No. I...want to,” Levi muttered. He confirmed it with his touch, squeezing her hands again. “Hurry up. You need to sleep as much as you can after today. You’ll heal faster.” 

“I’ll see you after dinner, then?” 

Levi met her hopeful gaze. His lip quirked. 

“Yeah. I’ll see you soon.” 

Petra left. Every part of her body felt like it was floating. She hadn’t felt anything this light since the first time she soared through the air. The dull sting of her wound wasn’t even present anymore. As she turned the corner, grinning like crazy, she could only think of one, stupid, mindless thought: everything really _did_ happen in that damn room, and she’d never been more thankful. 

~

Levi emerged from a dreamless paradise. Outside, the night sky was lightening into day. If he looked closely, he could see faint tinges of pink and orange. He’d been asleep for hours. Probably a new record. 

There was a sigh from next to him. He turned, found himself staring into Petra’s sleeping face. She looked so peaceful. 

He’d woken up beside her before. Not often, but sometimes after they finished she’d be asleep before he could tell her to leave. He’d never tell anyone, but he slept better after they fucked. He was almost out as quick as her. 

It would be around now that he would rouse her. He’d shake her awake, already dressed, and wouldn’t look at her as he told her to get out. Petra would smile weakly, fumble with her clothes, and almost sprint for the door. 

Briefly, the idea of doing that now crossed his mind. It would be so easy to say what happened the night before was a mistake. He hadn’t meant any of it. He was exhausted. He wasn’t thinking straight. He was her commanding officer. He was too old. He didn’t love her. 

Then she would move on. Be happier. And he would savour how it felt to be loved and not have that vision of her being crushed to death every time he closed his eyes. 

Everything would be normal again. He wanted that normal. Didn’t he? He didn’t need her. He didn’t need anyone. 

Petra exhaled slightly. A tiny smile played on her lips. Probably caught in a good dream, far nicer than the ones he dealt with. Beneath the light fabric of her sleep shirt, he could see the bulky bandages wrapped around her stomach. That was because of him. There was a purple-blue mark on her neck. That was because of him, too. _She_ didn’t need him. Clearly. So he was doing it for the both of them. 

He lay back, stared at the ceiling, and groaned. 

He really was a fucking bastard, wasn’t he? 

Petra had been right. He hated liars. And he hated himself more than anything. 

Before he could decide anything and fuck everything up, Petra shifted onto her side. She blinked and yawned as she came to, her beautiful amber eyes still glazed with sleep as she looked at him. 

“Good morning,” she whispered. That sweet smile was still on her lips. The corner of her eyes crinkled. A curl of fiery hair fell into her face. 

Anything he’d been thinking of turned to ashes in his mouth. His throat was dry. Was he really this fucking pathetic? One glance and smile from this girl could disarm him more than any gun or knife. 

Instead of saying anything like a normal fucking person, he reached out and touched the mark on her neck. 

“I hurt you.” 

“Oh,” Petra blinked, feeling her skin. “No you didn’t. Besides, I liked it anyway.” There was that cheeky smile again, the one that set his entire body aflame and made his heart jump in his chest or some shit. She reached out her delicate fingers, as if to brush the hair from his eyes. Instinctively, he tensed. 

What a shithead he was. He had a beautiful, wonderful woman in his bed. There was no doubt about how much she loved him. They’d done nothing _but_ argue about it all last night. 

He loved her. Didn’t he? That warm, whole feeling he felt whenever he looked at her. The faint weakness in his knees whenever she smiled at him. The crippling fear whenever she was within ten metres of a titan. The goddamn _everything_ that he’d kept from himself his entire life. 

“Levi,” Petra propped herself up on her elbows. “I know that-” 

“Tch. You don’t know shit.” He reached out and grabbed her, crushing her tight to him. Petra squeaked in surprise. He wound one arm around her waist as the other awkwardly cradled the back of her head. Her face was pressed against his neck. For a moment that seemed to drag on for fucking ever, they lay like that. Uncomfortably. 

“I can’t breathe.” Petra whispered into the crook of his neck. 

He rolled away from her, muttering an awkward apology. Fuck, everything was awkward with him, wasn’t it? He wasn’t suited to all this cuddly crap. All he knew how to do was to fight and kill and fuck, but he probably wasn’t even good at _that_ and she was just too nice to say anything. Why was she even here with him? He couldn’t do it, he didn’t know how-

“Did I ever tell you about my friend Lena?” 

The fuck? 

She ignored his confusion. “She was a family friend. I knew her from across the street. When we were sixteen- well, I was going into training then- she went out dancing with this boy from another town. She ate too much and then she threw up all over his front when they tried to waltz together.” 

She probably recognised the look he was giving her, the one right before he asked what the point was. 

“They’re expecting their second child now. Due in May. Or June, I can’t remember.” 

Again, pure bewilderment. There was a twinge of alarm now. There had to be something he was missing, probably something big that was warm and fuzzy and important to her and he was being an idiot. 

As if sensing his worry, she smiled sweetly. “The point is that mistakes are going to happen. You’ll make mistakes. I’ll make mistakes. But that doesn’t mean we just give up. I want to keep going. I want to be with you.” She blushed, her hands suddenly far more interesting than his gaze. “If you want to, that is.” 

His heart answered first. Unfortunately his munted feelings-mean-shit brain had more control over what came out of his mouth. Her face fell slightly at his hesitation. 

“I want to,” he said roughly. He grabbed her hands and squeezed them, even if his body twitched uncomfortably at the gentle contact. “I’m going to mess this up a lot, Petra.” 

“It’s okay. I will too,” she giggled. He wanted to hear that for as long as he lived. “But I can’t think of worse things you could do than throw up on me.” 

Levi could. Quite a lot. But he kept his mouth shut. 

Petra lay on her side, facing him. She pressed the side of her hand against his, so brief and light that he barely felt the contact. He _did_ feel the warmth of her, warmth and love without overwhelming him. He appreciated it. 

“Can I kiss you?” Petra asked softly. 

He answered by pressing his lips to hers. This kiss was gentle, a far cry from any of their lust-fueled fucks. She sighed against his mouth. Levi did not know how to be tender with his hands, so they stayed limp at his side. She pulled away, beaming. Like he did it right. 

They lay in companionable silence for a while. Petra flipped over onto her stomach, resting her chin on her arms as she watched the sun explode into the sky. Levi watched her as the light filtered through her bright hair, turning it all different shades of red. Stupidly, he thought of autumn leaves before they fell from the tree. He thought that once when they were out in that giant forest. A life and death situation and he was thinking of his subordinate’s hair. He would've been dead in less than a minute if he was that easily distracted. 

He’d faced down monsters in both worlds alike and walked out unharmed and a girl with autumn-leaf hair took him down without batting an eye. 

And she fucking scared him. 

She had him locked in a cage built from her heartstrings. He would turn the world upside down to fix her agony. He would tear through anyone who tried to hurt her. He would surrender himself to her.

Power over Humanity’s Strongest. What an achievement. 

He’d killed anyone who held power over him his whole life. There was only one person he could trust to hold that power. His Commander, bright and brilliant and blazing, ready to lead them all to victory. They’d walked through hell together. How could this girl measure up? What could she do with it? 

Beneath all the layers of steel he had built into his skin since he could walk, he was weak. She made him weak. From the very first smile she gave him, the first glint of her beautiful eyes, he had cracked. 

At first, he thought it was just pure attraction. She was pretty. Shorter than him as well, which was a plus. Maybe he should’ve had more goddamn resolve not to crack at a pretty, shorter-than-him girl. It was the first time he thought with his dick than his brain, so he thought it was just _that._ He could deal with that. 

Then she invaded his mind more and more. The afternoon sun reminded him of her hair. The flowers growing by the wall were her scent. The river water was as clear as her eyes. The evening birdsong was as calming and gentle as her voice. 

_Fuck it,_ he’d thought. _I need to get laid._

He wasn’t blind to the way _she_ looked at _him._ So he’d proposed their deal, she’d agreed, and he stupidly assumed that would be the end of it. He knew what she felt like under his hands. He didn’t have to dream anymore. 

He had to be the biggest idiot in the world. 

Petra caught his eye, and grinned. His stone heart jumped a little in his chest. She flopped back beside him, her eyelids fluttering. “I think we still got an hour or two before we need to be up.” 

“Sleep then,” he told her. “If you fall to your death during training it’s your own fault.” 

She smiled again, drowsily. Her head lay upon the pillow, and she shut her eyes. She pressed her fingers gently against his before she was out. 

He listened to her steady breathing. There was only a moment of hesitation before he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close. The lull of her heartbeat filled his ears, bringing him to a calm he never thought was possible. It almost brought him to sleep. Almost. 

His mind was swirling with thoughts too loud to be quelled into silence. 

Petra couldn’t know the hold she had on him. She’d use it against him, stab him in his sleep, take everything away from him. She would. Everyone did. That was how the world worked. 

She murmured in her sleep, nestled into his chest. She looked utterly vulnerable and content. 

Of course she fucking wouldn’t. He trusted her with his life on the battlefield; off it wasn’t any difference.

But that didn’t mean that she couldn’t be taken away from him. No one could take anything from you if you didn’t have anything to give. Erwin was a risk in himself, but he was practically a god. Petra looked as delicate as a dove. 

Except she wasn’t. Even he forgot how strong she was sometimes. Fierce. Stubborn. Loyal. She’d spun right out of the sky to save him and almost got crushed. She’d abandoned her gear. She’d faced down death again and again. 

And still, she smiled. Her eyes never dulled. 

He thought he’d seen her broken, when she was taken down by the abnormal, or when she was slapped out of the air a few months ago, or the dozen times before that, but he had never seen her break more than when he looked her in the eyes and told her he did not love her. 

His finger traced the line of her shoulder. She was streamlined with muscle, barely visible from the outside eye. She had a faint birthmark there, with a painful, jagged scar running right through it. The tip of Gunther’s hook had caught her, tearing through her clothes and skin before it latched onto a tree. The squad hadn’t been together long at that point; they’d been struggling to find their rhythm. 

She’d bandaged it herself with her other shirtsleeve, insisting to fight until Erd had to literally intercept her midair and dump her in the medical cart. Even then she’d cut the ankles of a ten-metre Levi had been gunning for, allowing him to get a clean cut of the nape. Crazy dumbass, he’d called her. Then he made her run laps around the barracks as punishment. She did, right until the sun went down and a chill nipped at the air. When she reported back, she was shivering to her core but still didn’t back down from his withering glare, matching it with her own. 

She was strong, and fearless. He squeezed her a little bit tighter against him. Strong and fearless and for some reason, she trusted him implicitly. She gave herself to him as much as he gave himself to her. 

He was going to fuck some of this up. That was definite. It wasn’t a lie when he said he’d hurt her. Truth was, he’d never learned how to be gentle. Or that emotional shit- _emotions_. Hanji called him emotionally constipated once; he’d kicked her ass, but it was true. Petra was all emotion; loving and crying and hating and laughing. He didn’t know how to do any of that. Except hating. That wouldn’t help, at all. 

But he would try. Even if it was awkward and painful to watch and hear, he would try. Same as she would try to understand him and his warped mindset. They would work. They would make it work. He swore on it like a vow. 

Seeing her curled up against him, the little puff of her breathing and her lips moving against his skin awakened something in him that he hadn’t felt for decades. He couldn’t place it. Safety? Stability? He almost equated it to seeing the sun and the sky for the first time. 

Whatever it was, he wanted to feel it every day for as long as he lived. 

He could. He had that opportunity now, and he wasn’t going to throw it away. 

The sun eventually rose fully up over the horizon, lighting up the room in brilliant shades of red and orange. He always watched the sunrise. It brought him a peace he rarely found and fought hard for. It centered him. 

It didn’t surprise him at all when he found that same peace with his lips pressed against her temple and his nose buried in red and orange hair. 

_End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who continuously supported this story, even after I disappeared for months. I read all your comments and they make me so happy. I've struggled these past few months with a lot of things, as I'm sure a lot of you guys definitely have with current world situations. This chapter was really difficult for me to write and it took me ages to get here- I probably have about 2k words of outtakes and things I kept changing for this. I might throw them up on my tumblr if anyone's interested in what different things could've happened. Thank you all so much again to everyone who read and supported this story. It's really meant a lot to me :)


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